Thursday, August 27, 2015

Hold your breath and jump.

My last several posts have been far too dark and depressing and pessimistic.  I wrote them one after the other, when I was in the luteal phase, which at least exacerbates my Major Depressive Disorder, if it isn't PMDD.  

You see, I stopped feeling... better... when I should have felt relief once the follicular phase started.  And I started just feeling low.   And it's not as bad as it is when I'm in Hormonal-Hell-Well, (I'm copyrighting that), but I don't feel alright.  I don't feel okay.  I feel sad a lot of the time.  There is some relief, but it's not drastically noticeable.  And there are luteal days I feel not totally crazy.  

So my writing reflected, and reflects the darkness and sadness I can't shake.  

I've considered the drastic treatments for PMDD and depression:  I thought of refilling my Yasmin prescription and trying it again for a full three months.  I'm considering the idea of getting the Hysterectomy and Oophorectomy.  If this is for sure hormonal depression, and the rest is situational and just bearing down on me harder than I expected, it might help me.  I can't believe I'm doubting if I have PMDD, when it was so clear to me, and it's so obvious... but not feeling better...  Not having a baseline of happiness is how they diagnose these things, and they would now say my baseline sucks, so it's Major Depressive Disorder with a side of hormonal heck.  That would mean, since I have tried so very many medications, that I could try ECT.  I've heard wonders.  It affects memory.  I worry about that, but it also comforts me.  There are things I want to forget.  If ECT helped me be Joanna again, I would do it in a second.  It doesn't scare me.  I am ready to try anything.

But, here's the thing.  I--just moi, no Sam--went out on a boat with Sam's parents, and the kids on the river and we swam and fished and then met up with Sam after 5:00, and we went tubing.  Watching the kids tube was so sweet.  Their smiles... their beautiful smiles.  I have beautiful children.  And before tubing, I swam with my kids and their grandparents, and jumped off a dock, and off the back of the boat, and it felt good.  I felt "normal," and we ate snacks, and the sun was shining, and the water was warm, and the kids were thrilled... and I was PMDD at that point.  I couldn't find my Klonopin, to take an evening dose, but I didn't need it.  Actually, there was no anxiety and complete relaxation until 5:00ish. 

 It's not Sam's fault.  He has spent the day at work and is just getting to join the fun.  Yet, Sam's interactions with the kids are sometimes stressful for me...  He doesn't hear them and they say his name 10 times before he responds... and that makes me feel a little crazy.  He is in his own head, and I'm always in the kids heads, or trying to be, even when I'm in the worst state of depression.  I hear them.  I hear them and if I can respond, I do that.  

So, I have to understand myself, analyze myself, and try to figure out if this is hormonal, or major depression that is getting worse, or if it's just me... and my place in the world.  I've got to figure all that out on my own.  No one can tell me the answer.  I have to not only know it, but commit to it.  I fear I'll commit to a treatment for the wrong reasons, or...  No...  I'm smart.  I'll do what is best for my children.  I'll do what is going to work, and make me feel better.  I'll choose that.  I have to.  

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Baby Blue.

You must leave now, take what you need, you think will last
But whatever you wish to keep, you better grab it fast
Yonder stands your orphan with his gun
Crying like a fire in the sun
Look out the saints are comin' through
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense
Take what you have gathered from coincidence
The empty handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets
This sky, too, is folding under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

All your seasick sailors, they are rowing home
Your empty handed armies, are all going home
Your lover who just walked out the door
Has taken all his blankets from the floor
The carpet, too, is moving under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore
Strike another match, go start a new
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

A 15 year old girl jumped to her death a few weeks ago...  Her father had been shot and killed by a drug dealer a few months before, in this crazy town, because he threatened to call the cops if they kept dealing in his neighborhood.  She was 16.  She jumped, or let herself fall from the dam bridge.  It's so high you can barely see the rocks below.  85 feet.  It is not above water.  It is above rocks and concrete in one area and a marshy bit mixed with rocks that led to the river in another spot.  I asked Sam to remind me how horrible that was, and how I cried for the young girl, and for her family, and for the first emergency responders who had to find her body.

He not busy being born is busy dying. -It's Alright Ma, (I'm Only Bleeding).
And he reminds me of that often lately, when I say I want to die, and it would be okay, and not to worry, it would not be as bad as he thinks, because they all deserve better, and...  He tells me, "NO.   Stop."  And I think of that girl.  Her name was Casey Wing.

And I think about how wrong it is to want to not be alive...  And it's not normal.  And then I wonder how I can feel that way so often, and not be able to combat it, or just "make it go away."  I am fine!  I am okay!  I am not going to traumatize the people who love me, or even people who don't love me, but might have to do stuff to try and make me be alive.  Nope.  I won't.

I have a perfectly happy life, with all that I could need.  I have children who surpass the qualities of all children whom anyone could possibly dream of being their very own.  I'm lucky.  I'm fucking lucky and should feel it. I should feel grateful and happy and undeserving of all the good things in my life.

But the outside, and the things I have and love and know, and can see, don't always matter, when the inside is all twisty and disgusting.  And what's crazy, (Okay, just one of the crazy things with this lady right here), is that I can see the disgusting showing on the outside of me too.  I looked in the mirror last night, and my reflection was grotesque and frightening.  I wanted to get away from myself.  I understood why people would want to get away from me. 

Was that skin on my face, or rotted, worm eaten wood?  Were those my eyes, or were they hollow, empty glass marbles, that you could see right into if you looked close enough... see that putrid brain, or what was left of it.  My lip was bleeding because I've been biting it so often.  

Will this just get worse?  Should I spare everyone the sight?!  I'm getting older, and will only decay further.  Is it because I can't stand that I'm exposing the people around me to this sight?  Or is it because I'm so conceited and self-absorbed, I don't want that for myself?

I'm crazy.  I'll never deny that.  And I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive.  I took all the pills for a few days in my pill counter, and some extra Abilify, and Klonopin, and Prozac...  I take a lot of pills each day.  It's ridiculous.  Why?  Because why not?  Then I took a bath and washed my hair and shaved my legs and made sure I was clean.

Maybe I'll sleep so soundly and wake up feeling super great.  Maybe not.   Right now I have a headache.  But Sam keeps asking me why I am smiling.  I guess there was a lot of uppers in those little containers.  I won't die.  I'm just impulsive and it feels like I'm helping myself in some way by doing the most unhealthy things.  And I'm smart enough to know that.  But in split seconds I dump them into my palm and toss them back like they're nothing at all.

                                                 Don't Think Twice It's All Right
Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
Even you don't know by now
And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window, and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm a-traveling on
But don't think twice, it's all right.

And It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
The light I never knowed
And it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road

But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
But we never did too much talking anyway
But don't think twice, it's all right.

So It ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
And It ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more

I'm a-thinking and a-wonderin' walking down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I am told
I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right.

So long honey, baby
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well

I ain't a-saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right.