Friday, May 22, 2015

Doll Parts.


When I was in high school, I loved the band Hole.  Of course I liked Nirvana, Live, Stone Temple Pilots, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Pearl Jam, and all the rock bands from that time period, (we had pretty darn good music in the 90s), but I really liked the girl grunge/rock bands and no one else I knew listened to them.  Veruca Salt and Courtney Love (Hole) were my favorites.  I also liked Garbage, Belly, Tori Amos, and the Cranberries.  Remember the movie Empire Records?  That soundtrack was great... yeah...
Anyway…  In college I gravitated towards less angry girl rock and more melodic and kind of sad chick music type stuff.  Tori Amos was my favorite in college.  I also liked Ani DiFranco, etc. because she played in Burlington all the time.  And, of course I grew up listening all the bands and artists my mom and daddy loved (Dylan, The Animals, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Hendrix, The Hollies, The Eagles, x Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, The Mamas and the Papas... oh, and then there were The Pogues, Silly Wizard, The Chieftains… Now that stuff was more for home, although I have some stories about the Pogues and the Irish bar on Church Street when I was in college.  ;)    

          So, I was listening to Hole last night, and I remembered all the words to their songs.  Isn’t that funny how that much time can pass and we remember these words?  Things stick in our memory.
       My, oh my, I listened to some angry, dark songs.  And I think I felt some of it too…  There are moments in high school stuck in my memory that weren’t so pleasant for me, that I don’t ever talk about because they seem inconsequential.  
         I was a new, shiny thing when I got to SHS and to beat it all, I was Mr. Janiszyn’s daughter.  I was the coveted, and the unattainable.  I remember sitting in a cafeteria study hall and this senior I barely knew slide in between my friend and I next to me and start telling me, “You have to know how beautiful you are,” etc.  I think I said, “I don’t really have any thoughts on that subject.”  He creeped me out.   
Junior year?
         I was wearing shorts and hidden under the table, he put his hand on my thigh and tried moving it up further and further.  I was 14, in my school cafeteria.  I pushed his hand away.  I remember feeling confused and violated.  Who the Hell just touches someone like that?  I wasn’t used to any kind of male attention, really.  How did I go from being a fairly invisible, smart girl in middle school, to this…  THIS!  A guy touching my thigh?  WTF.  
         All the Springfield girls hated me before I even got there.  They had heard of Joanna Janiszyn, because I had gone to lots of baseball, and basketball games with my dad, and the older boys had seen me…  And therefore the girls had heard too.  
          I remember this very big-boned, scary girl named Jaime, in my French class turning around and saying, “Melissa wants to fight you.”  
         I probably had the wide-eyed, confused look on my face I do now… It seems so silly anyone has ever wanted to fight me.  I asked her why, and she said, “Because she’s with Jesse, you know.”  
        And of course I asked, “Jesse who?”  He was a senior boy who was apparently smitten on me.  He had talked to me at some sporting events and he thought he had claimed me as his own and told his Melissa this. I never really knew the whole story.  I just remember assuring Jaime that I didn’t have any feelings about Jesse, what-so-ever.  
       “You mean you aren’t with him?” Jaime asked.  I bet she was referring to physical stuff (haha, yeah, I'm just realizing that now... which didn’t even enter my innocent, naive, boys-have-never-shown-me-attention-14 year old brain, but I assured her I knew he was friends with my dad and came to some games in Bellows Falls to hang out with my dad, sometimes. I didn’t know him very well.  She seemed satisfied that no fight was needed.  
         My mom laughed when I told her that Story.  She said, “Jesse has been visiting dad to see you, and trying to flirt with you all summer.  Joanna, you are ridiculous.”  Flirt with me?  Eh?  

I am doll eyes, doll mouth, doll legs
I am doll arms, big veins, dog beg
Yeah, they really want you,
They really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you,
They really want you, and I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much it just turns to hate
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache

And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache

I am doll parts, bad skin, doll heart
It stands for knife
For the rest of my life
Yeah, they really want you,
They really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you,
They really want you, but I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake
He only loves those things
Because he loves to see them break
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache

And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache
And someday, you will ache like I ache

Someday, you will ache like I ache


Senior Year.
       When I was in high school I think the Doll Parts song rang true to me, and now I understand why.  I was that way.  I was the girl with the most cake.  I was a Junior, and parked with my friend Heather where a lot of people our age were hanging out.  A guy who graduated when I was a freshman leaned in the window and said, "Ah, it's Joanna Janiszyn, one of the prettiest girls who ever walked the halls of Springfield High School."  I was pretty embarrassed at the time.  But, I guess I looked shiny, and perfect, and pretty on the outside, until my senior year, when things cracked apart.  I'm sure I was a bit of a mess before then too, because all teenagers are, aren't they?  But seniors year, after shit went down, I was able to tell myself that I was lucky that I had dated someone like Ryan Johnston in high school, and that he had sexually assaulted me, because I had learned something about myself:  that I could be manipulated and controlled in a way that was completely against my strong and righteous character, and that I was too trusting.  So, I would never marry someone like that.  I would never marry someone who controlled me and made me lose myself.  I would marry someone safe.  I would marry someone who wasn’t anything like Ryan Johnston.  

Violet
And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars are just like little fish
You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever
They get what they want, they never want it again
They get what they want, they never want it again
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
And the sky was all violet
I want it again but more violent, more violent
I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below
Might last a day yeah
Mine is forever
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever
They get what they want, they never want it again
They get what they want, they never want it again
When I get what I want, what I never want it again
When I get what I want, what I never want it again
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I dare you to
I told you from the start just how this would end
When I get what I want, what I never want it again
Go on, take everything take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything take everything I want you to
Steal all of my lovin'
Go on, take everything take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to
Go on take everything, take everything, take everything, take everything

         Goodness, all kinds of people hide their true selves behind their exteriors, yeah?  I thought… no, I think… that some people just see the insides of each other.  They know you and you know them.  Isn't that beautiful?  I don't think those people often find each other or end up together... I think most of us spend our lives polishing our facade, or worrying about the mortar cracking, and trying to patch it up when no one is looking.  


Dying

You see the cripple dance
Pay your money, baby
Now's your chance
Eyes like cyanide

I am so dumb
Just beam me up
I've had it all forever
I've had enough

Remember, you promised me
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I want to, I need to be
Under your skin

Our love is quicksand
So easy to drown
They steal the gravity, yeah
From moving ground

Remember, you promised me
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I want to, I need to be
Under your skin

And now I understand
You leave with everything
You leave with everything I am
Withering

And now I know that love is dead
You've come to bury me
There's nothing left here to pretend
Anything

Remember, you promised me
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I want to, I need to be
Under your skin

I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
I'm dying, I'm dying, please
Under your skin

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Kindness.

Sometimes we get packages and regular mail together, so our mailman will drive up our steep, annoying driveway, when the top is often filled with lots of toys or building materials, and cars, and even our big pool...  But he drives up, anyway, to make sure the package gets to our door and not just leave it on the porch down below.

Stella and I were outside planting all these various perennial bulbs that Sam had bought for me a few days ago.  We spent time thinking about where we should put each plant and why it would fit just right there, or over here.  Stella was watering the gardens, when I saw the mail truck driving up the driveway.  I advised her to not spray the mailman, which inspired a 'duh' expression from Stella, who said, "I wouldn't do that mommy!"

The mailman gave me an envelop and said he had a bigger box in the back.  He explained how FedEx passes off deliveries to the postal service when they feel like it's too difficult to find a house, or if there were tough driveways for their bigger trucks to maneuver.

     "Weird," I said to him.  "I hope they pay you to make the deliveries for them!  Next time we'll give you a tip."  He laughed and I told him it was always okay to turn around up there however he can, even if he has to drive on the yard.  He said, "Really?"
     "Trust me, we don't care," and gestured towards the mess that was all around us.

After he left Stella put down the hose and sat on one of the swings, facing the garden she had been watering.  She said, "That is a friendly mailman.  Why was he talking so nicely to us?"
Stella loving her grampy up.
I explained that he was a friendly person, and that he was also one of her classmate's fathers.
     "Did he talk to you in a nice way, because he is her daddy?"
     "No, he is just a friendly, good person.  There are lots of friendly and kind people in the world, Stella.  It feels nice when you meet someone like that, though, doesn't it?"

She was sitting on a swing, and she looked down, dragging her toes on the dirt... pensive...  thinking... "Mommy, when I meet someone like that, it makes me think of...  Well, I don't want you to be sad."
     "It makes you think of Grampy John, doesn't it?"
She looked up and smiled, sadly, "Mommy, he was nice to everyone.  He cared about everyone."
     "You're right, he did.  It doesn't make me sad to think about Grampy John.  It makes me happy when we talk about him," I said, watching her smile creep back.  "And he would be proud of how kind and caring you are.  Grampy was very special and I'm glad you think about him sometimes."
    "I think about him all the time, mommy."