Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Brain Nausea.

I'll explain:

It is nausea of the brain, not nausea caused by a physical problem happening in the brain.  It's not a mental problem, like stress or depression, making your stomach feel sour.  It's actual mind vomit.  It's a veritable wave of bile washing over the brain, like the exact feeling you get when you find out someone you love has died and you'll never see him or her again.

So...  Certainly, Alka-Seltzer won't take care of it.  It's not a sharp pain, or an ache with an acetaminophen or ibuprofen RX.  It's depression.  It's anxiety.  It's hopelessness.  It is helplessness.  It is crying for so long, for so many hours, that you have no more tears, but your body doesn't know it yet.  From my experience nothing makes it go away.  Once it starts, you just have to wait for it to pass...  Just hope it goes away with death or time.  But time seems endless and never moving at all.  Stuck in time, like Billy Pilgrim, but also going on forever like the Tralfamadorians.   You want to die...

And you want to get away from yourself.  You want to turn around and run.  It's like when you are just walking along and someone vomits in your path, so you turn on your heel and cover your nose and mouth and get away.  But that is all happening in your head.  The path is your thought, or lack of thought, or feeling.  You are sure it will never go away.  Ever.  It's necrosis of brain cells, and you can feel it happening.  You can't pinch it off and stop it from spreading.  You can't open up your head and touch your damn brain.  It's putrid, rotting, beautiful dreams.

But listen:  It goes away.  It can go away.  I promise.  It's not permanent.  

Do you understand?

PMDD update:  New doctors, new treatment:  Yasmin, continuous, with no inactive pills.  Three months.  Gotta stick it out for three months, to see if it helps.