Friday, February 28, 2014

But I didn't eat any glitter...

Michael woke up with his mop of enviably thick and wavy hair more disheveled than usual.  Stella is the one with crazy morning hair; she has legendary morning hair.  He stood in the kitchen rubbing his eyes and Sam said, "Wow, buddy, did you have a party last night in your bed?  Did you 'throw up some glitter, make it rain?'"  (Sam integrates many a song lyric into his conversations with the kids, prejudiced against no song, no singer...).  Michael looked at him raising his eyebrows and said, "I didn't even eat glitter."

(Now, if he had caught the allusion of Ke$ha's propensity for throwing around glitter, and understood it, that would have been disturbing. Even if humans only use 20% capacity of our brains, and maybe someday we will evolve to tap into all of our thinking and memory potential--all 100% of it--there will never be a day when there is room in a developing mind for facts about Ke$ha.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that no one needs to know anything about Ke$ha).

Done with that train of thought.  Totally not what I wanted to talk about.  Ke$ha does that to you.  And I have a lot on my mind.  I haven't been distributing the weight of it all anywhere: not in writing, not in art, not in conversation.  I'm going to be a positive person from here on out.  And, I'll tell you the truth, some of the things I sometimes feel the need to get out of my head, and talk about more than anything else, are not overtly positive.  I'm keeping it all on the d.l.  It's going really well.  Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode, but that's okay.  I don't need anyone.  I'm positive about explosions and keeping negative feelings to myself.  Let me tell you about this simple, and truly genius, idea...

Discussions about depression often become directed toward the topic of positive thinking.  I have been told that if one focuses on positive things in his or her life, life will change for the better.  I'm all for that.  I have always see the best in people and thought positively about humanity.  Teachers can't be negative about people.  Teachers exist, partly, to instill hope and encourage children to always think better, and feel better, and act better, and be better.  Teachers should think positively about their students, and give each kid at least one person who has faith in them.  That's in the teacher training textbook.  It is, it really is.  But, I'm not a teacher, and that might be one of the reasons.  That's kind of a negative thing to say.  I'll stop that.

 I can't be disappointed when others are not so awesome.  I mean other adults, who don't always act like adults, and didn't get the "let's be better" memo.  My expectations are kind of high.  Who cares what other people think, right?  I mean, if they aren't super awesome, we don't have to have them in our lives.  The thing is, you might kind of end up with no one, if you just ignore everyone.  If you think you're so much better than other people, than you aren't super awesome either.  Or maybe you are.  You are super awesome!  Be positive!

I hate to bring this up, because it could come across as negative, but I think you can see some great stuff in here:  PMDD, when I am in the middle of it, makes me feel like "being not alive" is a productive and positive thing to do.  I think about everyone else around me needing some positivity and how me being kind of "down in the dumps" is a real drag, and they would totally feel a whole lot more positive without me around.  That makes sense, doesn't it?

Now, if the people who are not super awesome are family, than we're kind of stuck.  We can't say, "Meh.  I need to be around people who make me feel happy all the time, and you make me feel kind of sad and stressed out, in all honestly, so I'm going to have to stop talking to you and we probably won't see each other anymore."  Well, maybe you can do that if the person doesn't live in your house; but in my most rational luteal brain, I'm thinking that I'm pretty sure that the whole "we live together" thing makes that not possible.  Subsequently, my thought process is more like this: "Meh.  I'm pretty negative and depressing with all this PMDD stuff, and you seem kind of worried about me, which is just bringing you down.  I don't want you to worry.  I'll just not be alive anymore.  You can totally find a super awesome wife, mother for our children, etc. who is always a fun time."
"No, listen, I know what I'm talking about."
"I know it seems that way, but you don't even know that because you've never tried living without me and finding a happy-snappy wife, who isn't sick all the time."
"You are too nice and you love me too much to just move on and get positive.  If I'm around, it's just 'blah, blah, blah, I'm useless; I suck; whoa my cheeks are melting off my face--look at them; right that's not really happening; what were we talking about?'"

That completely makes sense to me.

I just thought of some positive things I can do when I'm feeling depressed and all that.  I can exercise. Oh, and some more things like just get out of bed, get dressed, and go somewhere.  I can put on real clothes and do something nice with my hair and maybe throw on some makeup, so I feel better about myself.  I can go for a walk.  I can play with my kids.  I can look for a job.  I can do that job and not feel useless.  I can...  Nope.  I think I can, I think I can, but when the depressed and all that hits, I'm kind of thinking that what I can do is not be alive: and not feel so sad; and not feel so tired; and not ache all over; and not think about every sad thing that has happened and will happen eventually; and mute the voice telling me that I'm disappointing everyone who just wants to have Joanna.

Luckily, I only think that way half the time.  I am thinking positively, in a normal way, for the rest of each month.  I know how beautiful life is when one is a mother.  I know I can't be anything but happy, when I have these perfect, little beings who teach me so much about myself and life and family and love.  I know how privileged I am to be a wife.  I can't believe he loves me sometimes, when I can be so darn unlovable... I think I dropped some negativity into that positive statement about love.  I'm working on it.  Honestly, who could possibly be sad when she is wrapped in love?  Who could possibly be not happy?

I'm serious.
I'm seriously positive.

I am thankful for all that I have.  I don't want to think about what I don't have, or what I have lost, anymore. I don't want to think about any of that.  At this point, it just makes me sad and stops me in my tracks; it doesn't propel me forward, or motivate me.  I want to be who I once was.  I was a ball of fire.  I was never not moving forward.

But all that glitter gets in your eyes, and you can't see.  If you tip your head back, it doesn't melt on your tongue like a deliciously magical snowflake, it just chokes you.  It's so sparkly, yet so damaging at the same time, that glitter.  Maybe that's why Ke$ha is so ridiculous.  She ate too much glitter.  Or maybe she's super awesome.  We've never met.