Friday, December 30, 2011

Phone Calls.

I said it before, I am a worst case scenario type of girl.  When the phone rings, it's some terrible news. Since I got married, I had terrible dreams of losing Sam.  What would I do if he died?  How could I live without him?  How can we commit our love and life to someone when there is a possibility we might lose them?  I can't even talk about my babies...  Being pregnant is stressful for various reasons, but for me, the worry that they might not be healthy drove me crazy.

When we found out we were having twins, my first reaction was, "Oh my God, one of them is dead."  The doctor said, "Um, no, no it's not."  My husband asked, "Are they Siamese?"  The doctor looked at both of us and said, "Are you okay?"

This whole twin thing was a big surprise for us.  We were just going to find out if we were having a boy or girl, and during the scan, the doctor looked puzzled, concerned and then held up two fingers, like a peace sign.  We hadn't met Doctor Bunker yet so we were like,"So everything's good...?"  (Like Peace, rock on, baby's healthy, hooray).  He said "TWO," and we of course kept saying, "What? What?  What?  What?  No way,  Wait, what?!"

So, now, because my hormones seem to be out of whack, Sam and I thought that maybe the best form of birth control for us was for him to get a vasectomy.  But then I mulled it over and over and realized that this was not a good idea.  He thought I was being a little crazy when I was snuggled up on his chest one night and said, "You can't do it.  What if I die?  You'll want to have a baby with your new wife."  Sam was like, "Um, okay, not going to happen."  But I know enough to know things like that can happen.  I also know that one of our children could die, and even thinking about that horrible thing causes waterworks).  I wondered if we would want to have more children if that happened.  Then the vasectomy would be a terrible idea.  (Before I move on, I must say that the surgeon mentioned the same scenarios to him, so I am not crazy!)

Four generations.
So, dwelling on the worst possible things is destructive.  I know that, of course, but I also suffer from depression so I can't tell myself to just think happy things.  I try to find my sense of humor about life, when stress starts to get to me.  I really try to laugh at myself, but I'm a pretty sad girl when it comes down to it.  In college Psychology I, a large lecture hall class at UVM, the students took a survey on mental health.  Mine resulted with something like, "Seek psychological, medical attention immediately..."  And I was only 18 at that point!  How little I knew about the world at 18.

Last night my father called to tell me to come to work today.  We teach at the same high school, in the same department.  I was out yesterday with another stress headache that radiates across my forehead, down behind my ears, down my jaw, neck, shoulders...  He misses me when I'm not there.  My mom got on the phone and told me, my nanny isn't doing well.  She told me that she sounded very weak, and like she was giving up.  Grampy John died this past May, and she misses him so much.  Nanny and Grampy epitomized unconditional love.  She has been floating since he died.  She hasn't gone home since May 19th, and is just staying with my aunts and uncles as if life were a temporary situation.  My mom talked to me again about Nanny, this morning, when I called from work to check on my kiddos, and when I got home from work.  How do I function as a teacher when I'm thinking about this?  How do I function as a mother when I'm thinking about this?   I guess I don't know.  

Sam just brought me a big glass of red wine.