Friday, October 17, 2014

Who me?

Sometimes I feel awfully conflicted in my understanding of the purpose of human existence...  Nah, it's just my own role in this living business that has me confounded.  What is the purpose of... me?  I wonder that sometimes...

Like...  What the Hell am I supposed to be doing?  No, not just doing...  What am I supposed to be?  What am I allowed to be?  What if I'm not "being" anything, really, right now because I'm worried that anything that I choose might disappoint people... and that's something I do...  Hey, if it's what I do, than why am I letting that little thing stop me?  I know...  I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I'm not the first insecure, stressed-out, dumb-ass, self-centered person to think:  "I am such a disappointment... I am disappointing everyone around me."  It's a truth to me, at this point.  I'm not living up to my potential.  I do know what I've got.  No one needs to tell me all that I can be, because I've been it.  I applied for teaching jobs the summer I graduated from college, and I was asked to interview for every one.  I only went to one interview and fell in love with the little school and accepted a job there immediately.  Looking back, I regret my decision to leave after two years.  The kids and the principal were definitely disappointed that I didn't stay.  I was getting married, you see, and Sam's job was in Springfield and it seemed like working closer to the town in which we were living made more sense.  The commute seemed so long, especially in the winter... I was offered the two jobs for which I interviewed. I chose one.  I did it well... and I kept moving along, making things happen and getting shit done.

But then I kind of stopped making things happen.  I got no shit done.  And that's what I'm all about these days.

Now I sometimes wonder if, I, in particular, am destined to disappoint people...  I mean, I feel like maybe that's what I am going to do forever: It's what I do!  I'm doing it ...And I don't see this all changing in the foreseeable future. I can't give everyone what they really want.  I can't tell everyone what they really want to hear.  I can't be exactly what everyone needs me to be.  I wish I could.  Wouldn't that be beautiful?

Maybe, far too often, I am the one disappointed in other people.  Maybe my expectations are too damn high.  Or maybe a whole lot of people have been disappointing in my recent life, and now I have a hard time seeing past that.  Maybe disappointing people are disappointed in others as a way of feeling better about themselves being such G.D. disappointments.  (I don't believe any of that.  None of what I just wrote is accurate).

Maybe I became disappointing and disappointed when I became careless...  Caring not.  I sometimes wonder if I'm too careless with my own life or with everything.  When I need to go to sleep, and I need to stop thinking, and stop feeling, and not remember, I will pop a couple of these things and some of those, and chug a little of that... Nothing illegal, of course.  Just NyQuil, Diphenhydramine, Klonopin, alcohol, or natural and non-habit forming Melatonin...*  Not that all that even works most of the time.  And they certainly don't work when I want to not think at all.  Ever.  That's just a careless notion anyway--apathy is disappointing.  But, not sleeping really sucks too.  And as I pound some NyQuil out of the bottle, I think, "Make me sleep, god damn you!  What else are you good for?"  Such a disappointment...

*I in no way endorse or encourage this type of behavior.  Using these products in certain combinations and amounts can be lethal.  I don't do that anymore.  I started writing this blog post in mid-September.  Gees, couldn't even get this crap done.  See?  Told ya...