Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Comme ci, comme ça.

This is a sad-type of blog most of the time, but I'm not generally a sad, or depressed person in real life... Honest.

I write when I feel alone.  Really, I just start writing a whole bunch of stuff that is quietly circulating--or violently crashing--around my brain that I don't know what else to do with it... It gives me a headache.  Checking myself.  Writing relieves some of the pressure up there.

And, honestly, I feel like doctors should be a solid, reasonable outlet for my symptoms, but they don't seem to be hearing me.  "Do you feel lightheaded and dizzy?"  "Yes."  That's that.
"Your depression is so severe it interferes with your life?  You see a psychiatrist for that, right?"
"What happened to your arm?"  "Oh, just construction demo."  Next question.

Without any new tests, the endocrinologist says my thyroid looks fine.  She even, literally, looked at it through a sonogram.  Looks good.  No sign of Hashimoto's.  That's very good.  I'm glad.  But it means I have no idea what is wrong with me, or why my well-being took a turn for the worse in 2011.  Maybe it's just what happens when "we" (in the most general sense of human existence), start falling apart.  It's the climax of the story in our early thirties, then we're just in "falling action."  I feel like I'm falling in action.  I'm so tired.  I'm tired.   I firmly believe moms should have infinite energy.  Moms of twins should be energizer bunnies.  Those things should be universal truths.

I'm not sure how to effectively express my desperation to feel okay--to doctors or to the people who love me.  I'm really good at seeming okay.  I'm good at doing "Okay."  "I'm always okay," I say to my family.  "I'm always okay.  Promise."

And I really am.  I'm okay.  I'm just not myself.  I'm not myself, and I'm beginning to forget that girl.


adjective: okay
satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.
synonyms: satisfactoryall rightacceptablecompetent
adequatetolerablepassablereasonablefair
decent, good enough,not bad, middlingmoderateunremarkable

unexceptional;informalso-so,'comme ci, comme ça', 
fair-to-middling