I don't want to drink anymore, so I stopped for a while. I knew that I was only drinking to numb myself and try to make myself feel something (anything!). And I was hiding from things I didn't want to think about, all at the expense of my liver. It worked well to drink until I couldn't quite think at all. I thought it all worked quite well.
But every rational and intelligent part of me can admit it: Alcohol really makes things worse, when it comes down to it. Yet, when I was doing it, every time I was actually drinking, it felt like it was helping. I was not rational and I was not myself.
I hated myself.
I wasn't in reality.
I didn't like reality.
I drink now, but occasionally, and try not to do so excessively. I at least know why I am drinking, and I think about those reasons with every swallow.
****
It was a few months ago that I started blacking out completely when I drank a certain amount. I would have no memory of anything that happened after I crossed that certain limit.Blank.
Completely darkness.
I remember nothing of those nights. I remember absolutely nothing, and I can't bring any of it forth in my mind. It's just not there. Apparently, I can be very hilarious when I'm not even aware that I'm... awake? I am doing lots of things, and walking and talking and apparently thinking, yet I am in a blackout. I don't remember any of it. I don't know any of it. It is as if I wasn't even there. I mean, I wasn't there, was I? I wasn't there. I was absent.
I could also be really scary. I would spend hours telling Sam about every single thing he had to make sure the kids knew if I died. I wanted to tell him every family story, and memory, and make sure he knew what each thing was in my jewelry box, or in our cupboards that were family heirlooms. I would know I was going to die, I guess. I don't remember. I did know every single thing that I needed to tell him and it was a lot.
That scares me, to blackout. It scares me to have Sam recall hours we spent together "awake," when that time is completely gone for me. I don't want that. The kids are never awake when I drink, and I don't like it... I don't want it... and I try not to do it at all...
Having a little champagne or wine on a romantic date, or a beer on a hot summer day... I want to do those kinds of things... but I want them to be memorable and infrequent... special. I'll admit it. It became a daily thing... drinking at least a few glasses of wine every single day. And some nights we would drink so much that I stopped remembering those nights. Drinking became more than unhealthy and self-destructive. It was terrifying.
I was scared I couldn't remember.
But I was scared that I couldn't stop.
It wasn't so scary, and I could... I did it.
And I feel better.
God.
It feels better to wake up, and actually remember the falling asleep part