Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Knock, knock...

There are moments in life when you suddenly realize you feel and know something so truly and strongly that you can't imagine ever ignoring that knowledge, or living in a way that ignores it, because you actually know.  You know...
Maybe, and most honestly, you are finally acknowledging this thing--this thing--even if you always knew.


I mean, are we ever so oblivious to something so clear and important, or do we just deny it, or push it away, or not allow ourselves to even think about it.  Do you think we don't even know we are denying anything are are we so scared of change that we become oblivious on purpose.  It's easier to pretend, be oblivious, if change isn't something we don't know how to deal with.

And sometimes everyone else sees it.
And they wonder what the fuck you are doing not acknowledging it.
Or they think maybe you're so stupid you don't get it at all.
But they know.
And you are the one standing there, when everyone else is laughing at the funny joke, realizing you didn't get it at all... or maybe it was an inside joke, and you would never get it anyway (ah pretend your oblivious). They sure think it's funny.  And they are laughing.  And they are happy, because laughter means happy.  And you want to laugh, and be part of it all, but you can't.

Because that joke is you.

You are the joke.

So, when you don't push it away anymore, and you feel it and think about it fully, you feel so stupid.  You feel so stupid and embarrassed.  You let that time go by, you let it build, and you hid from it, and it just got worse and bigger and suddenly, you wonder if you are anything more than a joke.  The joke that was on you.

Joke's on you!



Hey, you know what is funny?  It's funny to sit alone and marinate in the truth, and feel it all that way in your bone marrow.  It's funny to have your mind feel like it could explode because it's so real to you suddenly, and you still don't know how to handle it or deal with it.  And you want to erase it all from your memory and pretend again.  You'd rather have people laugh behind your back.  You'd rather have people think they know something you don't know...  "She's so stupid.  She has no idea."

It's worse to sit here and feel it, when you're alone.  Or feel it and know that there is no fucking way anyone could ever comfort you or make you feel any better.  Because it's your truth.   And truth is exactly that.  It's you.  It's like.  It's your life.  And you don't get to escape that, when you are... well... living... Alive.

So what do I do?  What do I do?
What am I supposed to do?
I want to run away.
I want to run away to a safe place where the joke isn't me, anymore. Because strangers don't know anything about it.  And you're just human, and you have a chance to have a new truth, or live a truth that doesn't feel like death, anyway.

Or maybe you have someone who never thought of you that way.  Maybe they were waiting for you to feel it and think it fully and come to your senses and they would never tell you, "Wow, you were stupid for a really long time," or, "Oh, now you get it?"  You would just be enveloped in a truth that they knew that you were never a joke.  That that silliness, and self-imposed ignorance was not who you were.  It was self-protection. And they were just waiting for you.  Because they could tell you, directly, in the first place, but you wouldn't believe them...  No way.  You had to figure it out yourself.  Love is wanting someone to grow and become strong, not holding them up and whispering in his or her ear what they should think or know.
It's wanting them to truly know.
We have to know our own truth.
Otherwise it's not truth at all is it?

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