Saturday, December 8, 2012

Stop. Just Stop.

In the past few weeks, I've written enough to replace all the pages in an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica books... to no one.  The words are swirling, floating like a balloon, slipped from a child's hand, and disappearing into the atmosphere... It becomes so very small, then disappears.  How long before it pops?
I'm also sure that most of what I write is hyperbolic, hypocritical nonsense.


See, if you can't even tell the difference between nonsensical, offensive garbage, and meaningful words that truly reach someone, that means it's a good time to stop writing... Stop writing to an invisible audience.  Just stop. 

I think I need a break from myself and my own thoughts?  I think too much.  I can't even just write a blog post about stopping writing without writing a whole lot of words.  I could keep going here...  I just keep typing.  But, I mean it.  I'll shut up. (Do you believe me?)

Oh, I really hate anything that reminds me of that horrible scene from Crime and Punishment... But, you get the point.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Grandmas Everywhere!



I have had some great ideas about grandmothers lately. I don't know why it's grandmother and not all grandparent specific, so I can't spend any time explaining that.   I was thinking that we should get as many grandmothers as possible, the kind of grandmothers who can look at youth and make them feel really guilty about every bad thing they've ever done... The kind of grandmothers that no one wants to disappoint. The kind of grandmothers who cook treats for kids, and calls them pet names, and loves being around them. And then all these grandmothers need to work in our schools. Tons of them. At the high school, when you eat lunch in the cafeteria, there will be a grandma at every table.


‎... Oh, there's more...


I think what the kids in our district need, most of the kids, is respect for their elders, respect for human history, someone to love them, someone to be proud of them, and someone to make them think about what they're doing, before they do IT... Those were my grandparents.


I lied to my grandmother ONCE, and I will never forget it. I still feel guilty about it. She found out like nobody's business immediately. She knew I was lying. I was a teenager. Oh, it still gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.


Kids need that sometimes.  There is that healthy fear that's good for kids to have and too few have it. I mean just guilty because they disappointed grandma, not that the grandmas would ever say anything negative to the kids. Only positive grandmas are allowed, who have lots of life lessons, and say things like, "You can't squeeze blood out of turnips," and, "A penny for your thoughts," and, "Don't take any wooden nickels."


Grandmas used to volunteer at the elementary schools, in the library and classroom.  Grandmas on the bus.  Grandmas everywhere.


http://www.seniorcorps.org/
http://staciel.hubpages.com/hub/Ways-a-non-parent-can-support-local-schools


My husband and I have twins, Michael and Stella, who will be entering Kindergarten this fall.  I know the district's schools have been under scrutiny lately, but I believe we have some great teachers at Elm Hill.  I was thinking about my own elementary school education, and how many volunteers were in our classrooms and in the lunchroom.  Most parents were working, but grandparents would come in and read with kids, or sit with us at lunch and help us with our juice boxes.  We would take nature walks, and there were always lots of hands to hold onto.  I remember a very nurturing and loving environment at Central Elementary back in the 1980s when I was young.


When I visit my own grandmother, Topsy Barry of Bellows Falls, (who lost her husband, and my beloved Grampy John, last spring), she says her greatest joy is spending time with her great-grandkids. She said, "I want to see them as much as possible."  Her advice and thoughts on parenting are still the most helpful to me, above all else.  She is 85.  Hugs from the twins light her up.


A year ago, in a very sad series of events, Sam's parents and grandmother completely cut my children out of their lives.  They don't inquire about them, or wish to see them.  I understand the enormous role my great-grandmother, Stella O'Connor, and my Nanny and Grampy had in my life.  They influenced who I became as an adult.  I am a teacher because of my Grandfather, John Barry. I understand the loss my children are experiencing, without caring grandparents, even though they will never understand or know any different.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Tinsnips and Love Coupons.


10 years is a real long time.  It's a decade.  It's, well... 10 whole years.  It's interesting that the gift associated with a 10 year wedding anniversary is tin.  I mean... Tin?  I guess we could have bought a lot of cans of beer and drank them.  (Yeah, baby...)  But, we didn't.  We planned on going on a romantic date, just the two of us.  But, we didn't.  We planned on renewing our vows on the beach.  But, sigh... we didn't.

A romantic place for an anniversary

We spent the day and evening with our twins.  We went to the Dairy Joy, in Bellows Falls, Vermont, for dinner.  Michael and Stella came with us.  That's just the way things go.  We visited my grandmother, our favorite woman in the entire world, on our anniversary and then went to the Dairy Joy.  I ate a cheeseburger and fried dough. I got a stomach ache. It was good.  Whatever.

We left for a week-long trip to Maine two days later.   I had this amazing cream colored, pleated Silk chiffon dress to wear on the beach.  It was the perfect dress to wear to run into waves, and get all wet...  Full of joy.  It sat in the closet of our rental cottage, and now It's in my closet at home.  I'll never wear it.  It's really beautiful.  The perfect beach wedding dress.

You know, 10 years seemed like a good time to renew the vows of wedlock.  We've been through a lot, and it would have been good for us.  But, we didn't.  My dress traveled to Maine with us, for our vacation, then came back home, unworn.

And so, on our 10th wedding anniversary, we drank champagne in our yard.  I was wearing lime green sweat shorts from Old Navy.  That's okay.

Does it really matter?

Sam worked all day and I spent the day with the kids.  That was okay too.

But, what I really mean is, it wasn't completely okay.  I needed something special.  At the time, I desperately needed to say, "And we did."

And I realized that a moment passed that we can never get back.  And maybe this symbolizes my life and who I am now.  No moments will be especially significant, all moments will blend together?  We won't have anyone to celebrate with us or let us celebrate as a couple... Alone?  Does it really matter, how we celebrate?  Is it just important that we are a team, this little family, and we do things together?  Maybe that's all we have, all we really, really have: Each other.  That's all.  And that has to be okay.