Friday, March 15, 2013

Absence of Color.

I don't think I have ever, in my entire life, seen anything as black or white.  Everything has always been complicated... and I think too much.  My brain doesn't see one answer or the other.  I see everything all at once, and I'm overwhelmed.  I see every shade of every color.  I see the struggles of everyone around me.  I don't remember the last time, even in the depths of my depression, that I thought only of myself;  I still could respond to other peoples' pain, and the battles they were fighting.  I never consciously let go of other peoples' feelings.  I feel all of them on top of my own, and that often makes me feel more overwhelmed.  Or at least I think it does.

I am so unable to block out the suffering, or perceived suffering, of the people I love, I can become obsessively focused on them, worrying about them, and not concentrating on myself at all.  OCD.  It's easy for a brain that just wants to be healthy and happy to focus on one thing, and pretend the rest isn't really happening.

And I understand that that might be the reason I haven't moved forward far enough through my depression and anxiety.  I sometimes pretend some of the bad things don't exist.

But still, sometimes, I wish I could shut out other peoples' troubles, and focus on my own.  I want to be "fixed" and perfectly "normal" and "happy."  I wonder if I need to focus on my own problems, and then maybe I wouldn't become despondent, I wouldn't shut down.  Maybe just my own tragedies wouldn't be so overwhelming?  But I don't know how to fix myself.  I don't ever really give my brain the option of coming up with a solution.  I let myself sink into darkness.  And I kind of know that focusing on other people lets me ignore my own sadness.  I'll be honest.  My tragedies are overwhelming.

What if I focused on myself?  What if I stayed in my own head, and obsessed over my own troubles?  I'd lose it.  I'd lose it.  I'd lose it.  Because the last few years have been plagued with tragedy and sadness.  It is said that bad things come in threes:  Well my family has far exceeded three "bad things."  I'm hoping Mr. Life just forgot, and somehow tallied ours by years, and not tragic events.  Because that would mean that next year is going to be super, duper great for our family;  the year of miracles and beauty and magic and jubilation.  Tragedy has struck us for three years.  So we fucking deserve a break.  Omne trium perfectum?

And, If I saw the world in black and white, wouldn't that mean I was seeing a solution: It's this one or that one?  That sounds great.  Infinity = no solution.  Crawling down an amalgamate rainbow tunnel, well, it makes me dizzy.  But I guess I'm glad life hasn't just turned to brown --mixed too much, instead of just blending one into the next, layering one problem onto another-- just making a sludgy muck...

When I'm healthier and stronger, I hope I can see each one separately, and look them over with clarity.  Because I know that color or the absence of color... those are better than a quagmire of mud.  You can't sort that shit out.  

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