Holes.

Michael's shoes have a hole in them.  They are his favorite "Captain Rex," light up sneakers.  He has very wide feet, and I have always bought his shoes online.  Not many brands make extra-wide shoes.  I bought these a year ago, and even though he has newer ones for first grade, he wears his "Captain Rex" sneakers every day.  And I didn't know.  I didn't know they had a hole in them.  I didn't know until last night.  And I realized this because I was helping him undress so I could trim his hair, and he could jump right in the shower, so he wouldn't be all itchy.  He was tired.  He leaned against me as I took off his shoes and socks.  But he was silly too.  He always is.  

I said, "There's a hole in your sneaker."  

He said, "Hey, I noticed that."

His bangs have been crooked looking for a few days.  Sam and I tried to give him a haircut the day before picture retakes, and when it was wet and pushed over to the side, it looked fine.  That's not how his hair stays.  It was just crooked.  Sam said, "It's good enough, it looks fine." 

Mommy and Michael by Michael.  "Those are love beams connecting us mommy."

Last night I fixed his hair,  and he got in the shower, and I helped him rinse the hair off, and I wrapped him in a towel, and used another to dry his hair, and his legs, and feet.  He's so tall.  Towels don't just wrap around him and cover him up now.  And he walked out of the bathroom to get on his jammies, and I stared at his shoes on the bathroom floor until my eyes lost focus.  Finally someone called for me and pulled me away.  And I read books with Michael, and they both did their homework, and then I sang to Stella, and I sang American Pie to Michael until he fell asleep.

I'm still staring at those little big-boy shoes with the hole in the side.  My eyes are still unfocused. I feel like there is a hole in my heart.