Reconciliation.

The twins get their First Holy Communion this May.  They have been attending classes every Tuesday after school, since September, but lately, we have been very conscious of getting them to Mass.

I felt fine today.  I was helping Sam drag brush and logs off of the bank, near the "little house," and I was not tired.   I was not depressed.

At Church, this evening, the Gospel was about the adulteress, and "he who has no sin shall cast the first stone."  Earlier that day, was a Mass of reconciliation.  Left on a pugh was the guide for that Mass.  As the Priest began his sermon, he read a list of questions to ask ourselves, a "self-check," in relation to our own sins.  He abbreviated the list, yet I had it in front of me: the full list of questions.  Masturbation?  Impure thoughts?  Contraception?  Sterilization?  Homosexuality?  Those were all on there.  He didn't mention the masturbation or homosexuality questions during his sermon.  I saw them.  I would never teach my children some of the things on that list were "sins."

The Priest was making a point about people not casting judgment on others, and humbling ourselves...

But I just saw a list of questions that I could answer "Yes" to... many of them... So many of them...  I'm a sinner.  I'm a mortal sinner?  I judge myself.  I think my greatest sin has been casting judgment upon myself and therefore slipping into a darker place than my hormones and genetics already push me into.  When one judges his or herself, that person often exacts their own forms of self-punishment.

Dr. A. once told me I had to stop being so self-punitive.  I didn't realize I was... punishing myself... and in the process, giving up a little bit on living.  Part of me felt like my soul was already dead.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.  I was not thinking about living at all...  I'm wrecking myself.

I don't believe God wants to punish me.  I believe God sees every part of me... all the complicated, twisted up, confused, scared, parts of me and maybe understand I'm doing my best.  I'm trying.  I'm trying.  And I believe God knew when I wasn't trying.  I was giving up.  Yet, I was giving up, (and I do give up), because I'm scared.  I'm depressed. I'm empty, sometimes.

But I don't want to be.  The week before the Priest ended his sermon saying that we must "Trust Jesus."  He said we must trust him in our darkest times, in our suffering, and not give up.  "Trust Jesus."  I am going to do that.  That before anything else.