Monday, August 8, 2016

Drowning for ya.


I should have known that trying to swim to shore, also meant the risk of sinking under, limbs exhausted.  Drowning.  Gosh, I started to go through life, not jumping in, not swimming toward warmth and safety... But then I do something totally crazy.  
Maybe it's crazy.
Maybe it's healthy.
I sometimes think I must feel myself losing my breath, and I just know I have to do it.  I feel I have to do it.  And so I do.  I do something totally nuts.  Is that crazy or okay?

You tried to lie, I can see that you don't need me
All of your words, they've been cursed with dishonesty.
Take it from the girl you claim to love, you're gonna get some bad karma
I'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of armour
From the girl who made you soup and tied your shoes when you were hurting
You are not deserving, you are not deserving

PMDD:  Yeah, that makes me think I can't stay afloat and I think I can't keep pushing the water behind me.  I feel the water closing in on me, sucking me deep.  
But I don't want to give up.  
I haven't.  
You see, I'm still here.  I still write, and I still live, and I breathe.  Through it all, I'm fighting, and kicking, so my head is above water... most of the time.  


I could see that you wanted me cold
You're so bold while you're watching me moan
You tried to hide, I can see that you don't see me
What do you gain by the names that you're calling me?
Take it from the girl you claim to love, you're gonna get some bad karma
I'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of armour

From the girl who made you soup and tied your shoes when you were hurting
You are not deserving, you are not deserving
(Cause I'm drowning for ya)

What are marked traits of PMDD, though?  Are they:  "Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by friends and family.  Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation. Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships. Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving."  

Doesn't it sound like that describes my behavior?  Doesn't that seem like it describes me?  Doesn't it seem like all that, (which is written above), defines the behaviors and feelings I have experienced these past years? Or, have I been depressed, and really unhappy, with breaks of sanity, and happiness, and action, and hopefulness?  Wasn't I moving... towards something else?  Trying to feel better?  If we do something that seems crazy to everyone else, does that make us crazy?  

Or what if one person understands that it's not crazy at all... that the accepting of unhappiness is most crazy, and jumping into the water--without knowing what will happen, and how far I'll have to swim-- is actually brave and wonderful?

I know.  I know inside myself.  And I know that I have fallen into wanting everyone to think I'm sane and happy and normal, so I end up making everything think I'm crazy:  The people who see me as happy and acting irrational; and the people who see me as rational and sane, but being irrational and crazy by not getting away from all that is unhealthy, and makes me feel so very badly.  I am not crazy.  I'm not.

I could see that you wanted me cold
You're so bold while you're watching me moan
Holding out like you could pull me down
Cause I'm drowning for ya
(Cause I'm drowning for ya)
Cause I'm drowning for ya
The traits or symptoms I listed are actually a clinical description of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder which my mother thought she should send me.  PMDD and my unhappiness have eluded her always, all these years, and she has always come up with some other thoughts about why I have felt the way I do, or acted the way I do.  She thinks maybe that's the ticket, this month:  BPD.  Okay.  Thyroid results be damned.  Blood tests be damned.  Brain scans be damned, (Oh, that's another post).  Me telling her what is happening in my life and how I feel be damned.  Reality, be, fucking, damned.  



Can you follow me out to the water?
I can show you we're sinking deeper
Let me know
Cause I'm drowning for ya


I remember when I signed Stella up for swimming lessons when she was two or three, she decided she would get into the pool... Ever.  She sat on the concrete, against the chain link dense, as far from the water as possible.  "Want to just sit on the side of the pool and put your feet in, Stella."  (She shakes head, serious look on her little baby face, which meant:  "fuck no, I know what you assholes are up to.  I'll put my feet in, and you'll grab me and put me in that water."  That was her exact facial expression.  She watched moms dragging their children by their arms into the water, telling them to stop screaming, "you are going to learn to swim!  Get in the water right now!"  The teenage swim instructors were handed these screaming, terrified children, and forced to try to "teach a swimming lesson."
I was not that kind of mommy; I would never force her to get in the water if she was scared.  I mean, why make a poor little kid more horrified by the idea of "swimming," and also scared of water...  And also scared of their parent...  I knew she needed to trust me.  She watched the lessons very closely, with a furrowed brow. We pretended we were swimming, making the movements, while sitting with our backs to the fence.  (4 years later she learned how to swim, because she wanted to.  "I'm ready to learn to swim," she said.  She started swimming like a mermaid (she'd want me to say that instead of 'fish' because she loves mermaids).
You see?  No one should push anyone into the water.  You have to wait until they jump all on their own. You can't tell them why they should jump, or should never jump, or analyze all the reasons they won't jump or can't jump, or all the reasons they could jump, or all the things that could help them jump, or things that will totally protect them from jumping in the future...  Don't tell them all the reasons that cause disappointment for "everyone" because we did jump, or didn't jump, or how it was all such a failure, every single way, for every single reason.

Can you follow me out to the water?
I can show you we're sinking deeper
Let me know
Cause I'm drowning for ya

...Every single reason...  Guess the common treatment is for BPD... SSRIs and mood stabilizers...   I'm taking or have tried both.  No change.  Because I have PMDD.  Or something that affects my hormones or is deeply affected by my hormone fluctuations and totally fucks me up.  Something to do with my thyroid, for example...  (Another post, again, entirely).  

Can you follow me out to the water?
I can show you we're sinking deeper
Let me know

And the craziest person isn't you, or me at all.  They are the ones who tell you to jump, and give you the old, "I believe in you," speech, then aren't anywhere to be seen when waters get rough.  When they think they can handle PMDD, but they can't.  They tell you they understand, but then they let you sink.  Good people.  Good people can't be truly crazy.  Those who are selfish and self-centered are the craziest people I know.


Cause I'm drowning for ya
Can you follow me out to the water?
I can show you we're sinking deeper
Let me know
Cause I'm drowning for ya

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