Friday, November 29, 2013

Rhodopsin.

I add the darkness into my calendar where it looks like it fits right, and not always when it will really happen.  But damn it, then it hits me,  and I don't expect to feel that way, and I don't understand what is wrong with me.  Why am I so tired?  Why am I so sad?  Why does it feel like I'm walking around in daylight, yet my eyes can't adjust and I can't see?  Bright light to a dim room...  I'm blinded.  My mind is empty, taking in nothing of the day or what is around me; My eyes are looking for darker, lonelier, quieter, emptier places.  I have very tangible and gut wrenching reasons to feel sad.  This must be some serious sadness, because it can't already be back.


I don't know how I ended up here.  I've never felt this way before.  I've never felt so lost and empty.  This type of sadness is foreign to me.  I have no idea how to behave or deal with this sadness.  I see no good in this.  I see nothing that can comfort this grief.  There is no one to talk to and no one to share this feeling with.  I am alone with this sadness.  
That was all that was real to me, yesterday.  That was all I could see.  I felt desperately depressed...  and part of it was because I didn't know if I would ever feel happy again... because I'm not depressed like that unless I have PMDD... and it had to be something deeper than hormones and brain chemicals...  Right?


As if I could stop it by trying to schedule it for less than 14 days, or place it into the month during a week that isn't right now...  Not today.  Not today...


I felt it yesterday, but I denied it.


Yesterday I wrote this:  I've isolated myself.  The things that have made me feel depressed and crazy over the last few years are all that surround me now.  This blog isn't even public.  No one will read it.  I'm writing to no one... because I cut myself off.


I am desperately sad and depressed.  I forgot how to float.  I'm just standing here, instead--Standing here staring at nothing, my eyes unfocused, wondering what the fuck is going on and how I got here.  How did I get to this place, right now, in my life?  How did I do this to myself?


And I don't want to float.  Floating actually requires effort and some semblance of thought and action.  I don't have any control over how I feel or what I am doing.  I want to sleep all day, so I don't think.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to stop crying, and feel nothing.  I want to sleep and never wake up.  I want to wake up and run away.  I do nothing.


But, my chest ached endlessly and electric pain shot through my breasts and my back all day.  I would deny these telltale signs too.


I was sitting at the top of the stairs, after putting Michael's clothes away in his drawers, with my head in my hands.  Sam asked me to check my calendar again.  I counted the days and saw that it didn't matter that the blue colored bar, stating:  PMDD, began on December 7th, and crossed through the days after that...  I put it there.  I counted the days and saw that I was way off with my blue bar.  I was spacing the colors on the calendar so they looked uniform and...  It looked right...  No, not only that, It looked just right because that would mean I would be happy for Christmas.  It would not be here on Christmas.  My finger touched the computer screen on November 30th, not December 7th, when I counted it properly...  I started to cry.  Sam got my liquid Prozac and measured the correct dose into my glass of water.


This shadow, this darkness, is unwelcome and uninvited, yet it is a relief to know that it was here yesterday.  It was here; I was tired, and sad, and numb, and blinded for a reason.  I know it will pass, and I will see again...


Even if it's only for 14 days.

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