Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A Certain Kind of Death.

Have you ever felt like you were going to die?  I mean the kind of feeling where it comes over you that you won't live into your golden years and see your children grow up or meet your grandchildren.  I mean...

This laptop is going to die.  The battery is at 8%, and it's red...  Red, saying, "Plug me in."  I can't.  So, I had better get to the point.

I am probably just being a weirdo about dying, but in a series of unfortunate events--which would most likely have looked very funny in slow motion--I fell on my back, with the brunt of the impact occurred on the back of my neck, (which slammed off our bottom stair), and my lower back, which hit the hardwood floor.  Somehow I also tweaked my knee too.  Michael said sadly, "I'm sorry, mommy, I didn't know that would happen." He had dared me to attempt the acrobatic feat.  You know it's bad when your children instantly say, "Bring mommy to the hospital," instead of laughing, or something.  I laughed, and told them I was okay, as I made eye contact with Sam, telling him the opposite.  They didn't believe me, those little rascals.  I think Moms can find a smile in them, even after a limb has been severed violently, to soothe their children.   It's our superpower. (And it is funny that I injured myself at a "baby dance party.")

God, it hurts.  It hurts, like I feel like I'm going to vomit hurts.  I took a ton of Motrin and Tylenol at 8:30 or 9:30, or whenever it happened and, covered in ice packs, I fell asleep.  The pain relievers wore off.  And I woke up at 2:30 am, it's 4:40 am now, in pain.  I know people die of a blood clot, because of a fall or impact they don't really remember happening...  I mean the people who love them don't remember happening...  This was a memorable fall.

And, like another form of death, after my injury, it seemed important for me to delete someone; a once-upon-a-time-friend... everything we had between us.  There were messages and beautiful writing, now erased and gone.  It's all gone--Like it never happened.  I didn't want to do this, but I suddenly knew I was already truly wiped off my friend's planet--a concept that is so unbelievable to me, so difficult to grasp.  I don't see how anyone can easily do this to another person.

And, I believe a small part of us, maybe something bigger, is deleted when we shut out someone who was important to us.  It does feel like a small part of me died.  Yet, the pain of reminders was more real at the time, and I let it go.  I wonder when I will stop remembering, with nothing tangible to remind me?

I hope I don't die.  I don't want to.  And I know I'm crazy to write some of the things I do....  But...  With the feeling was a calm.  There was calm, instead of a fear, that came over me.  At that moment, of impact, it felt possible, but I knew would be okay anyway.

3%.  It's time for me to say goodbye.  

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