Tuesday, May 8, 2012


perpetuity noun
in perpetuity, for ever, for good, permanently, for keeps (informal), for all time, for eternity, for always

At this point, I am in a perpetual cycle of self reflection.  As my blog name suggests, I am "checking myself, before I wreck myself."  However, can too much thinking, be too much?  I have been told many times, that I "think too much."  That always seemed silly to me.  Shouldn't we all be thoughtful?  Yet, laying in bed ruminating at 2:00 in the morning, also becomes silly.   A symptom of depression are, "unwanted thoughts."  Is it even possible to just focus on what we want to think about?
progress  noun
Movement, as toward a goal; advance, development or growth.

Does thinking promote growth, or can it hold us back?  I'm a teacher.  The goal of a teacher is to get students to think critically about the world around them.  Thinking moves us forward, even if it drives us crazy.

move verb
To change in position from one point to another, to progress in sequence; go forward, to follow a specified course, to progress toward a particular state or condition, to start off; depart, to exhibit great activity or energy, to initiate an action; act, to stir the emotions.

We are always moving in one direction or another.  I move in circles.  Most days I feel like someone spun me around until my legs were twisty and then let me go.  I'm dizzy, unfocused, and trying to find balance. Sam and I are trying to move in a different direction...  Just a little.  We are realizing that we aren't "stuck" anywhere; we can do anything we want to do.

When I was talking to Dr. A, I had said how we wanted to move, get out of this town, appended by the statement, "We will never do it."
"Why not?" he asked.

Now, that's a silly question.  Who actually moves?  I don't just mean depart from one location to another, but makes huge, disruptive changes in their lives?  Children, lack of money, stress, uncertainty;  all these things stop us from progressing, from changing positions, from initiating action.  They don't have to, but they do.  

The wedding aftermath:  Drunk and tired and happy.
I remember laying in bed with Sam on our honeymoon, and starting to have a panic attack.  This is it, this is it, this is it...  It wasn't that I didn't think Sam was "the one," it was that I had done the most permanent thing in my life so far.  And I was so scared.
I had chosen a college, and I was able to transfer when I wasn't happy. I had a weirdo roommate who slept in the nude, so I changed rooms.   I chose my classes, and dropped the ones I didn't find stimulating.  I had boyfriends and broke up with them.  I was offered a job at UVM, but made the decision to come home and work in this area.  Those decisions led me to Sam.  And there I was laying next to the man I married and I was panicking.  It subsided of course, as we both shared our fears, and our awe in the realization we were "grown ups." 

Even though we bought a house, the next really permanent decision was to have a baby.  It was surprising to both of us that it took us four years to feel "ready."  We both wanted to be parents.  We both wanted children.  But we were scared.  We wanted to make sure we were ready to handle anything.  ANYTHING.  And thank God in Heaven we did, because having twins was a shocker! 

So, having children makes everything we do more permanent, because it affects them too.  What a huge, freaking responsibility...

responsibility noun
1.  : the quality or state of being responsible: as
a : moral, legal, or mental accountability
b : reliability, trustworthiness

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