Monday, June 17, 2013

Wreck Myself.

I'm kind of wrecking myself, which is the opposite of checking myself...  Ice Cube would be disappointed.

It is such a strange situation that I'm in, and I can't really talk about it.  I can't really tell anyone.  I can't do anything about it at all.  My dad certainly doesn't know what to say about it.  I know it crushes him, but I think, like everything else in his life over the last 5-10 years, he ignores it or blocks it out because it causes him pain...  He has to.  I love him, I don't blame him.  Work, work, work.  

They, (my mom and dad), influenced me to make huge personal sacrifices so I would keep teaching:  To keep teaching with my dad.  Because he needed me.  Because I was a gifted teacher.  Because he needed me.  

He was here last night for his birthday and asked Stella if she would be on the Green Horn staff if he stayed teaching for that long.  I said, "Stella would you work at a school that fired mommy?"  I'm a Debbie Downer, huh?  

That's all I ever wanted to do...
They also revised all the English teachers' schedules, so that whoever the new English teacher (my replacement) might be, will be teaching Sophomore English (my beloved class).  My dad had a meeting with the school administrators about something else and they talked about his new schedule and how Creative Writing was added back into his schedule, (which was on my schedule).  My dad mentioned how pleased the principal was that he was happy to have Creative Writing again.  I said, "And nothing came up in that conversation, like, 'Remember when you fired my daughter, and those were classes she would be teaching next year?'"  

Please don't make me do this anymore daddy...
I shouldn't say anything at all that causes my daddy more stress, but it is so strange.  I know he has to just survive up there, and I know it kills him that I won't be there, but he talks to me about school like it doesn't rip my heart out that everything ended up this way...  I mean, until 3 years ago, I thought I would be teaching with my dad for the next 12 years or so, before he retired!  I never imagined this is what would happen.  I know the current administration will leave, move on, but I won't get a job... I can't see myself getting any teaching job now that I've been terminated.  No matter the reason for my contract termination, people will pass my job applications over, just like I would do and have done when serving on a hiring committee.  Fired?  Must be something wrong with that teacher.  

And this is unfair, and I shouldn't say it, but this thing just keeps wrapping its tentacles around my brain and squeezing it:  I keep thinking about Ryan and how he stayed in that English class  for the rest of the school year after what happened.  5 months.  I don't know why I didn't say anything at the time, that it bothered me, other than the simple fact I was a complete emotional and psychological mess and I did a whole lot of saying nothing at all.  And my dad had to just kept treating him like any other student.  I know he had to do this to survive, and I know 17-year-old-me told my parents I just wanted them to not talk about it, not to do anything, not to tell anyone, not to draw any attention to the situation or me...  

Yet, all of this, makes the old me want to punch someone.  I feel like I wouldn't be able to do that.  I would want to strangle anyone who hurt my child.  17?  That's when kids are just all sorts of messed up because they are at the cusp of losing their childhood, and are lost without experiencing any violent trauma.  The ripping away of "being a kid" is violent enough.  But that was the worst way to handle it all, to suppress my feelings and ignore what happened.  It evidently messed me up for the rest of my life. Maybe that's my problem, I mean.  I don't know.  I don't know.

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