Sunday, June 21, 2015

What's wrong with your face?

Stella:

Sometime Yesterday...
"Mommy... your face... Mommy, what's wrong with your face?"  

What do you mean what's wrong with my face.

"You look... mommy, your face has no feelings."

I don't feel so great today. (Dr. Abney told me to be honest with them, that I'm not always going to be super mom, which I tried to pretend to be and lamented in the failing).

"You look sad, mommy.  Your face is too sad."

I am a little sad, and a little sick feeling... (Sick emotionally, yes).

Today...
"Mommy, your face: It's that way again.  Is your face sad? Oh mommy, I don't know what to do to make you feel better."

You don't need to do anything.  I'll try not to be sad, let's do something fun.

"Mommy, trust me, I give great advice, you can tell me what is making you sad."

I don't know about my face, but look at this crazy bruise on my leg!
I know what face she's talking about.  It's not sadness, because that's a feeling.  It's numbness...  It's having my eyes open, but not looking at anything.  It's going along and doing this, but not being present in that moment.  It's something I can only shake off, if I'm aware of it and the kids are around me.  I can close my eyes, rubbing my temples, and then open them up again and see their faces.  I can see their faces, and my face makes expressions.  

What makes me mad about my stupid face--at least one thing-- is that it just keeps doing that and when I'm not paying attention.  My face reflects my brain so obviously.  It always has.

And, how dare it be possible for any mother to suffer from depression.  It's not fair.  It's stupid.  I want to get that new electrode to the brain treatment for depression, but just have them zap the shit out of the "depressed brain cells" and tell them to fuck off.  Get out of my head.  (Yes, I know it's not about specific brain cells, but for goodness sake, if it could be that easy...  Target those suckers and just cut them out or fry their asses).  

Because any part of existence, that prevents a mommy--a good mommy, a mommy who wants to be the best mommy possible--from loving up her children to the fullest extent of motherly love, should just go away.   Mommies should be fixed first.  Fucked up mommies end up with the fucked up children who need emotional and mental treatment anyway, right?  Save mommies.  Help me.  Please.  

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