Monday, November 2, 2015

Frangible.

Why am I so easily broken.  Why is it so easy for someone to just flick their finger and me and I fall down and smash to pieces.  That's what it feels like sometimes.  I feel so breakable.  I feel so fragile.  I can be strong.  I can be really strong, and defend other people and take charge and...  I used to be like that.  I don't know if I am any more.  Is it in me?  I'm feisty, when I'm Joanna.  I'm just a blank page when I'm really depressed.  Being really depressed didn't ever define me, until recently.  It seemed to come one so often and so easily it became who I saw myself as... sad.  I'm a sad girl.

Can you blame other people for breaking you?  If they broke your bones, and beat you senseless we would press charges and it would be their fault we were in traction in the hospital.  But what about when people break you in the ways you can't see, and plaster and resetting bones doesn't help.  What happens when they just wedge huge cracks in your psyche, and shatter your emotional stability?  We don't get to blame them.  We can't press charges.  We're told to move on, stop focusing on the past, and work with doctors who will help you get all better...  All better.  All better.  All better!  

Thing is... bones heal.  They do!  It's miraculous.  Brains don't.  Memories don't.  Love doesn't.  Hearts do get broken.  The internal wounds are much more dangerous than the ones you can see.  I assure you.


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