Monday, November 23, 2015

PME.

There is something called PME, which is premenstrual exacerbation of already existing major depressive disorder or some other mental illness.  I was once told, by the doctors at DHMC, that that might just be what I was experiencing instead of PMDD, since my baseline (how I feel when I am not luteal) is not so awesome.

However, if you actually have PMDD, (you would know that after 5 years), you start to get less and less hopeful about feeling better, and losing half your life to something you can't control... you will start to feel depressed all the time that you can't be what you want to be and do what you want to do, because you have a calendar reminding you how many days you have until you potentially can't even get out of bed for a week...

So PMDD, just leads to depression all the time, you see?  I do feel better when I am not luteal, but no where near how I should be, knowing myself and all I used to be!  I'm just anticipating the darkness, and hoping it doesn't fall on a holiday, and hoping this new medication will work, and wondering why the other medication I tried made things feel worse... worse...

I'm trying Lamictal now.  It's a mood stabilizer.  So Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cytomel, Lamictal, and Adderall... and Klonopin when I need it.  I can not use it at all some days... I don't need it when I am in the follicular phase, unless something situational has blown my brains apart.

So, what I'm saying, is if you have PMDD, and your quality of living and ability to function starts to diminish for more than 14 days of the month, it's because the walls of that well are slippery... and you're trying to climb out, but you might keep slipping back down, and want to just rest there, and say, "Forget it."  FORGET IT!  How am I supposed to climb a fucking vertical wall with nothing at all but my feet and hands?

Right?

I need a rope.  I need upper arm strength.  I need someone will a harness to come get me, and pull me out, even if they do it by one foot and I'm dangling upside down banging my face off the side. I don't even care.  At least I'm looking up and knowing there is light, and I want to be there.  And if I'm all battered and exhausted when I'm deposited on the ground, on the Earth, I can lay there, face up and see the sky and the tree branches, and I can breath, and deal with my bloody nose and abrasions later.

My goodness, if I look presentable after two weeks of PMDD, than I'm totally beating this thing, and not beating the Hell out of myself.  I haven't yet gotten there yet.  Lamictal takes about a month before I'll know...  If it will help...

A bloody face is a small price to pay, to feel the sunshine on my face, and not be alone.

It doesn't mean I'm giving up, if all I want for Christmas are more yoga pants and clothes that feel like pajamas, yet might be presentable in a public setting, right?  I mean, getting dressed 14 days out of each month feel like a Hell of of job, so, like at least 7 pairs of Yoga pants, and tops would just be Heaven... Heaven.  Hey, My uncle just saw me last night, and even though I hadn't showered and was covered in sawdust, and wearing sloppy clothes, (from helping Sam with a woodworking project), he said, "Joanna, you look so much better.  The last time I saw you, you looked like you were fading away."

And, you know... Shut up.  You know you don't even have an excuse for wearing Yoga pants all the time, and you do it
anyway...  Or you really, really want to!

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