Monday, February 8, 2016

Cry me a River...

I believe a person is always haunted by his or her mistakes and past.

Anything I did to hurt other people, will come around to hurt me right back, and I can't do a damn thing about it.  I pushed the start button, and the cogs of that terrible machine started grinding and then moving faster and faster.  Cry me a river, when I'm hurt in the very same way I hurt someone else.  I earned it.

But, that's a scary way to live... looking in front of you, waiting for the come uppance... It's scary, to not know how to break the cycle, or if it's even possible to stop the forces of nature from doing their work.  I asked for it.  I was asking for it.  What do I expect?

I know what I expect.  I want to think I'm better than my mistakes, and what I did in the past, the things that tore me into a million pieces, weren't me, or who I wanted to be.  I want to be more than any of that.  I know I'm more than that.  I'm not a sin, I am repenting my sins.  And I want to hope that the people in my life are better than the equivalent of my sins and my mistakes.

Pain.  The deepest, most soul-ripping, excruciating pain causes us to do things that hurt others, sometimes.  I mean, good people... Good people have to have a dark and staggering pain to hurt anyone they love... I do know that.  I know that.  I'm not sure how many people escape any of this.  Are some relationships immune to crisis and ghosts?

You know, I think my views of all things in life are skewed by my depression and my PMDD.
Of course even the healthiest people have some problems, and all relationships require work and understanding and trust, but a marriage between two people with mental illness is kind of fucked.  Maybe not fucked, as in, there's no way it could ever work, but fucked in the sense that there will be a lot of fucked up stuff to deal with, and both people will need to have a lot more understanding, and trust, and hope.  Way more work will always be involved... Which is kind of funny, (in the most not funny way of all), because how much harder is it for people with mental health issues to be hopeful, and understanding, and be faced with fucked up, stressful stuff to handle and work on?  Maybe that creates stronger bonds when all is said and done?

I'm crying me a river.

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