Thursday, January 28, 2016

Clean.

I think I'm okay, then I know I'm not.  I'm not okay.  I'm not better.  What was I thinking?!  Stupid girl. Stupid.  Wait...

My luteal mind is getting me mixed up.  I know I feel detached and I see things wrong.  I feel things wrong.  I convince myself I am fine.  I am okay. I am alright.  And when the negative phase of PMDD comes back to me, once again, I know I'm not any of those things... I'm really a mess.  And I act like a big mess.  I think like a big mess.  I feel like a big mess.

The world looks different through these eyes... my luteal eyes...  I try not to look in the mirror, because when I do, all I see is a reflection I don't recognize...
No.
I know her well.
I know my reflection:  I see all the dirt and grime and filth on me.  And I keep wanting to wash it off.  I keep taking hot showers, or baths, and I scrub my skin clean, as if the water can dissolve time and sadness and ugliness.

When I am under the water, and rubbing my skin, I feel like there is some hope I will emerge, face the mirror, and be happy with what I see.

But truly, I do remember, even in my worst state, that my reflection doesn't matter.  Truth is what matters, not perception.  Does it matter what some people think about me?  Does it matter how others have treated me?  Does that define me?  Of course not.

Yes. It does:  Right now, it does.

You see, I look in the mirror for all the reasons people in my life don't want to be close to me.  I see why people leave.  I see why people shove me away.  I see why I'm not worthy of their attention.  What I can not wash away is visible.  It is so clear, when I am so crazy.






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