Saturday, January 9, 2016

Wait... Really!

I really do feel better.
I do.

I do get dark and low sometimes, but I was looking back at my journal from late November through mid December, and Holy SHIT!  I was really, really messed up.  So, I am feeling better.

I am feeling 100 times better than the journal entry where I described crying all day and all night, knowing my children saw me crying, and remembering how I saw my mother cry when I was a little girl and what it felt like to not know how to help my mommy... but that I still cried... I wrote that I cried my guts out, I cried all my blood down my face:  I cried out everything inside me until I was empty and dried up and gone.  I wrote I was already dead.  I was already dead.

I don't feel that way, now.  I don't cry all day.  I haven't cried at all, for at least a few weeks, except tears of gratitude for my family, and my friends.  I have felt alive.  I haven't felt dead.

I haven't been the Joanna I was, when I was teaching, and I didn't have PMDD, and I wasn't so very tired so often, and I was ready to take on the world and anyone standing in my way, but I am a good version of Joanna.  I'm doing the best things for my health and trying to do the best things for my family...  And I'm letting dark and depressing things go... I'm putting them behind me... and I'm moving forward.

So when I thought, "I guess I'm not really doing that much better," because I laid in bed reading all day, I was wrong.  I compared days like that to the ones I was experiencing quite frequently...  for many months before... and now I know I'm doing pretty damn good.

Oh, and Ice Cube is hilarious.  WTF.

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