Wednesday, July 6, 2016

The sea.

I can hear the water meeting rocks and sand and earth right now.  Waves are lapping in towards the land. We are in Maine.  We are in a lovely rental right on the ocean...  So I can hear it, even when it's dark.   I mean I hear the waves, the sea, even when I can't see them.  It's night.  We are staying in a carriage house, with a wall of windows looking out at the ocean. It's beautiful.
And, we are a family, on vacation.

Love is all that I have so, let me love who I want, oh
All the dreams that I’m chasing, break my heart then replace it
Love is all that I have so, let me love who I want

And it's a beautiful sound...  The waves crashing on the rocks... the tide...  It is a sound that makes me think of childhood, and happiness,  and my grandparents, and moving literature...  But I hate that I also, clearly, think of something else...
Of walking in...
I'm luteal, and even my favorite place, and favorite time of year aren't keeping me safe.

We’ll never get it back, but we’ll try
Some things are best left behind
We’ll replicate old days, they’ll haunt us.

I've been so deeply buried lately...  So dark.  I haven't been able to see or think with clear focus.
Nothing makes sense.
Walking into the ocean, and swimming towards the line where the sky touches the water...  That makes sense on nights like these.

Love is all that I have so
me love who I want oh
All the dreams that I’m chasing
Break my heart then replace it
Love is all that I have and 

This wasn’t what I escaped for

If you could just hear my whispers
I’m screaming under the waters

You held me up on your shoulders

But i got caught in the tunnels
I never came back to save you
And you were waiting so faithful

And so I'm going back years of my depression, and thoughts, and writing, yes?  To the furthest reaches of my blog...  of Edna...  The ocean calls to me too...  Maybe it always has, and that's why I ended up so...  Unsettled...  Tossed around... Caught in a moon surf...  I haven't changed?  I'm not all better yet?  I'm not all better?!  I'm not better...

And I'm listening to it call to me now...  It's so close...  I could walk right into those waves... Become part of the sound and the ebb and flow...  Part of the sea.

I know I can't.  I shouldn't even hear those whispers, of the water.
I do though.

Bulove is all that I have now
gave my blood just to find out
Your tired heart that I buried
Won't you ever forgive me? -Archis

I hear the infinity and power and inevitability and predictability of the tide, beckoning me all the way in.  I'm scared to drown.  I'm scared to be pulled under the water.   I just sucked the water into my lungs...  Recently...  Because I'm stupid...  And because I can't believe there is safe shore in sight anymore...

I won't walk out into the darkness and cold water of the Atlantic tonight.  I believe in something more than Bon-bons and sentiments sent abroad of affection to my babies.  They need me on this sand:  these rocky beaches... Even if I feel like I can't stand up here, and my feet are bruised or bloody from barnacles and stones.  They don't think about my feet.  They need my arms.  They need my heart.  They need my mind...  And I need to stop coming back to this place.  I need to stop giving up, and try.

And I have to think.  And make choices.  A choice not to listen to the temptation, the calling of the sea, and stay right here.  I mean, I'll sit and breathe, and remember all the years we have come to Maine, and how happy they all felt.

Yes, I'll just listen awhile longer...  It sounds so perfect and peaceful.   Ahhh, how much I want to know that is truth--the peace, the happy--and feel it deep inside, even when I'm not in the salty waters.

But, the waves are so rhythmic and lulling.  They call to all of us, because it's life.  I hear it.  I hear the tide. Do you?

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