Thursday, October 29, 2015

Hello.

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing


Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
There's such a difference between us
And a million miles


Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home


OMG.  I love Adele.  I love her.  And I'm so happy she has a new album.

.
Of course I have listened to her song, Hello, 100 times, and it just makes me cry.  I like to play it over and over and just cry until I have used an entire box of Kleenex.  It's one of those things girls... okay, probably just messed up girls do.  We just need to cry for an hour, after holding a lot of sad feelings, or stress inside.

And music is what always influences my emotions when I am PMDD.  When I am already an emotional powder keg, and then I listen to songs that are melancholy, or haunting... Watch Out!

"The whole place is about to blow!"

For goodness sake, I am a crazy person when I listen to this shit (it isn't shit, it's genius) when I'm Luteal.  It's not normal, how I react, I'm sure of it.  It would be funny to see,  if I weren't genuinely sad.  I can see myself from the outside sobbing, and drinking wine, and blowing my nose, and sobbing, and...  I cry until I fall asleep.  I've done this for two days.  (Yes, I do it to myself).  I listen to songs like that over and over, and torture myself.  I'm doing it now.  I do it when I write.  I write about the past.  I dwell on things I cannot change, people I cannot change, and time that is gone.

Sam asked me what the song meant to me... why it bothered me so much:  Is it about lost love?  Maybe.  It's her voice, it's the emotion in the music, and there is a familiarity...  of understanding in life exists "the other side."  It's about lost time.  Lost time. And it affects me so deeply.  I have always been this way about time and change, since I was a little girl.  And lately, as I've been writing my story, I've understood there's a tipping point, when we move from beginning to the after, and when we're in the after, there's no going back.  I know that, yet I can't seem to stop myself from dreaming of it all beginning again... I dream of being at the beginning, and being ignorant about the other side.  I cry because it's unbearable that I will always be in the after, now.  And I desperately, and crazily claw at the darkness that blocks me from what was.

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore


Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?
It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time


We are all running out of time.  We can't live in the past, and wait for things to be as they were.  That is impossible.  People tell me that all the time...  I still don't want to believe it.  Accepting that seems like death. Maybe acknowledging the truth of life would help me move on and live?

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home


Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore, anymore


Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home


Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore


-Adele



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