Sunday, October 18, 2015

Landfill.


Do you ever wonder if there's one time you could save someone? You have one chance. Maybe it's Someone close, maybe not... Anyone... And they are so obviously begging, but only obviously pleading to YOU, too late... Only obvious to you too late.I think about that.Am I listening?Are you?Who actually is?That person doesn't have to die... I mean you might save their soul. Their soul... Or keep them awake and present when they are fading...  Who was I supposed to save today?

***

RL   Oh gosh, 
that's a heavy weight to carry on your shoulders!
All we can do is the best we can do in any given moment, eh?
And keep getting better at being present?
And forgive yourself for what can't be changed?

Joanna Coleman That's sadly difficult for some people. I wish everyone thought as you...

Ramlah Lauritsen heart emoticon
LikeReplyOctober 15 at 11:40pm
Joanna Coleman heart emoticon. We need it. All of us, yeah?
LikeReplyOctober 15 at 11:41pm
Ramlah Lauritsen Absolutely!
LikeReplyOctober 15 at 11:42pm
Ramlah Lauritsen And guilt doesn't serve anyone.
Only kindness and the drive to keep doing better.

LikeReplyOctober 15 at 11:43pm



HD I'm listening...
LikeReplyOctober 16 at 6:46am
MJ All you can do is do what you can, when you can... And sometimes that means standing back and letting people figure out how to help themselves.
LikeReply1October 16 at 11:31pm


Comments

How selfish of me to be talking about myself.  I'm not wishing I could help other people, right now, I wonder if people know I'm going to fall, fast and suddenly, and hit the ground hard.  I am fading and...  (Wow, the song Into Dust by Mazzy Star was just playing on my iPhone and this line was almost whispered to me:  

I could possibly be fading/Or have something more to gain/I could feel myself growing colder/I could feel myself under your fate/Under your fate).  

I'm passively disappearing.  My will is gone.  I am passive in my pleas for help, even.  Facebook?  Yuck.   

I am fading and I can't tell anyone.  I can't talk to anyone, I can't say what brings me to my knees and shreds my brain with razor sharp talons... I can't say the thoughts that haunt me and will haunt me forever.  How can I make them stop?  They never will... never be quiet.  They won't stop tearing me apart inside.  Ha.  If I were that uncomplicated and simple...  If I could just move on and forget things.  

Who could?  Who could be that way, and just forget and smile and live and laugh and ignore everything.  Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.  There isn't guilt.  There is innocence in the gentle sin that made me feel human.  Guilt would be easy to swallow.  Fire and promises and betrayal don't go down as smoothly.  

I am going to disappear.  I don't know if I want to be saved.  I don't know if it's even possible.  I shouldn't ask for something so impossible that the people who love me would feel inadequate and helpless.  I don't want to make anyone feel that way.  I feel that way about myself.  I numb myself with alcohol.  Tonight it's Jack Daniels.  Sam bought it.  It goes down smoothly.  At least that always does... the alcohol.  

Do I have a problem?  I don't know.  Am I drinking to stop thinking?  Yes.  Am I drinking to survive?  Yes. 
Is that a problem?  

I was never a drinker, really, in my life.  In college, my friends and I would drink on weekends, staying out 'til 2:00 am, and sleep all day afterward.  But I didn't need to drink.  It was fun.  We would dance.  We danced all night.  I loved dancing.

I don't dance when I drink now.  I sit numbly and wait for it to reach my brain and make it all fuzzy and warm.  I sit and wait for that feeling, and it always comes.  If I drink.  And I do.  Every day.  Some nights I cry, and I writhe in sorrow and emptiness and the needing and missing and I beg Sam to never let me drink, "I don't want to do this.  I don't want to do this anymore," I say.  And at the time I mean drink to cover up feelings.  But the next day, I do.  I can't survive without it.  The talons of memories and emotions and thoughts and actions are so sharp, and deep, and bloody, they need to be anesthetized.  I know they do.  I know I'm too weak, for now at least, to try.  Try.  Try what?  Someone fucking tell me.  Tell me!  

Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that will never change.  What about forgiveness...

I'm lost.  I'm empty.  I'm fading.  Help me.  Are you listening?  Are YOU listening?  Help me.

And what a fucking jerk I am.  How many people have crisis in their lives that incapacitate them?  What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?  Nothing.  




Throw me in a landfill
Don't think
 about the consequences
Throw me in the dirt pit
Don't think about the choices that you make
Throw me in the water
Don't think about the splash I will create
Leave me at the altar
Knowing all the things you just escaped

Push me out to sea
On a little boat that you made
Out of the evergreen that you helped your father cut away
Leave me on the tracks
To wait until the morning train arrives
Don't you dare look back
Walk away
Catch up with the sunrise

'Cause this is torturous electricity
Between both of us and this is
Dangerous 'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you

So leave me in the cold
Wait until the snow covers me up
So I cannot move
So I'm just embedded in the frost
Then leave me in the rain
Wait until my clothes cling to my frame
Wipe away your tear stains
Thought you said you didn't feel pain

Well this is torturous electricity
Between both of us and this is
Dangerous, 'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts. I want you so much
But I hate your guts.
Well this is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous 'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I want you so much but I hate your guts

--Daughter

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