Naked.

I did it, you know...  I posed for a drawing class, and it was brave.  My big sister said I was brave to do it. My mother, on the other hand, right before I was about to leave for class, (and why I was late for class), telling me not to do it and that some creeper in class would follow me to my car, because he saw me naked and maybe I was just doing it because I needed attention and some sort of positive reinforcement about my body and looks, and that wasn't it at all... And I wasn't worried about being followed... Gosh.

I wasn't scared though, it was kind of funny.  I was five minutes late, never being to the studio before, and because, (SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...  Don't tell!), I grazed another car with mine when I swung into a parking space fast.  I said there, for a moment, feeling sick, and then realized it was 6:05 and I had to get my ass, literally they needed my ass, into the studio at to the class.  I got out of the car, trying to casually look at the damage, which I didn't see on the other car, just the typical scraping that wipes off, but an older woman stopped me, as I started to walk towards the building, and said, "You hit that car, you know."  She thought I was committing a hit and run... literally, I was starting to run to get to the class, and I stopped and said, "I know!  And it's someone from my art class and I have to go tell him!"  She laughed and said, "Oh my, someone you know?  Good luck."  I lied.  I didn't know whose car it was, but I hadn't "worked" for over two years, and I was late!  And I figured the person could write a note and put it on my windshield yelling at me and that he or she would collect my information and leave his or her number.  I certainly didn't have paper, a pen, or time to write down mine.  Yikes.

Great way to enter into the classroom, running up the stairs and sort of falling into the room like Kramer, "I'm here, I'm here, I'm sorry."  The teacher said he realized he didn't have my phone number and had just emailed me to make sure I was coming.  He was concerned but seemed amused that I was jovial and hyper.  He said, "What a beginning for you first time modeling... You're already nervous about being late..."

Not me, but wish it was.

I said, "I'm totally ready.  Really.  I'll go change into my robe."  My heart was pounding, but it was easy to take off the robe and just go.  Boom.  Naked in front of strangers and figuring out 2-minute poses on my own.  I didn't feel naked, strangely.  It was warm enough in the room, and I am artistic enough to feel comfortable being the subject of art.

He helped me pose in three longer poses, one recumbent pose, for one hour long, one for fifteen minutes, and one for 30 minutes.  I asked him to help me, tell me what to do for this time, because I was a little nervous, I realized, after all.  And he was very helpful and I held very still.  He said I did an excellent job.

From what I could tell, the actual artists might not have done the best job.  I looked sort of out of proportion and not very beautiful as I imagined figure drawings would turn out.  Not that I think my body is a beautiful subject... I've been quite self-conscious lately, being a little more "soft" than usual, but it's still a female body, and I had my hair twisted up into a cool bun.

I only saw one person's drawings.  The rest of the artists, just three more, were very secretive or protective of their work and needed a lot of guidance.  One was flustered a bit and kept clattering about making noise and just sitting on a stool away from her easel and not doing anything.  I was sitting there very still and hoped at least someone was actually doing something that made my efforts worthwhile.  Another woman had a small sketchbook and kept moving from above my head, to down by my feet, and I was looking off to the side.  I don't know what she was drawing, and she wasn't spending much time in either place.

I had to cancel the next job, which made me feel sad because both kids were homesick, and I was at the point in my cycle where I could have been... you know...  That would offer some challenges, although I thought about how to deal with that.  I was actually sick the next day, with the same thing the kids had, it seemed, so it was good I gave him a day's notice.  I was just sad to not go back soon enough to make it feel like a real job...

I did go back, and I saw the drawings.  They were turned towards me, so I could see them all.  And one was of my profile, focused on my face.  It was strange and moving to know someone was looking at my face that closely and committing it to paper.

There was one pose, where I was turned away, leaning against a wall, and one of the students decided to show that 15-minute drawing, instead of the longer pose. Another student commented, "That captured the spirit of Joanna.  It captured her perfectly."