Thursday, June 30, 2016

Pinball wizard

Any medical research and warnings that state alcohol makes PMDD, the symptoms, worse are correct. I'm obviously the authority on this subject, so I can tell you, you can believe those doctors and scientists.  Yes, you should listen to those guys.

Because, whoa...  Sometimes I lose my mind when I drink, and while in the luteal phase.  The kicker is when you are in it--in the thick of the worse darkness and sadness and you are so fucking scared--you forget what the research say, and you think, "What do they fucking know, they don't have PMDD," and you think, I should drink for sure.  There is no other way to escape. Alcohol works for the escape part.  It also makes you feel so much worse, and makes you so much crazier, but if you drink enough, you don't remember any of that.  You don't remember those horrible, heart-wrenching, mindfucking feelings, when you wake up the next morning.  You might think you had a great night, and felt totally awesome.

I could take a shitload of Klonopin, and I have before, but that doesn't work either, I tell ya.  Klonopin doesn't work, for me, that's for sure.  I think it actually made me feel worse, but it didn't help me escape, and I would still remember the bad night.  I'd remember.  I'd also remember a time when I never wanted to take Klonopin again.  I actually had tapered off of it.  I felt better most of the time, once I didn't take it anymore.  I started taking it again, though.  It had always been prescribed to me, and I thought I needed it at that time.  I was so crazy feeling and lost...

Sigh... I remember that I don't want to take it now, and I won't take it when I'm not luteal.   But then...  I swallow the pills trying to stop my head from screaming.  I cry when I take it.  I cry because I know I've failed.

But, so, when I mix Alcohol with all of that, it makes me not remember, even if I am worse when I'm drunk... You see?  I don't realize how bad it is, and so I'm just wasted and crying, or saying crazy things, or thinking crazy stuff, but I don't know it.  Being trashed out of my mind, I don't have any feelings at all... not feelings I remember...

That's bad.  Because I sometimes end up trying to stop the feeling completely.  I try to stop the thinking completely.  I took 10 mgs of Klonopin, when I was drunk.  I drank because it felt like a hole had been ripped through me, and I was bleeding to death anyway. You see what I'm saying about listening to the doctors?  I'm unreliable, I suppose, at times, even if I am and expert...  Because that night, I let myself sink in the hot tub.  Sam pulled me up. He realized I was there.  I just wanted to be alone.  I remember that part.  I didn't want him to pull me up.

Listen, though.  This is important.   I know I was better during the luteal phase when I felt safe... when I wasn't drinking and taking Klonopin... I know that.

I just hit a place in my life where I became self-destructive, and every time the luteal phase was upon me, when I lost that safety of a sound mind, (I mean my brain was a hormonal, chemical chemical pinball machine... ClangpopDingdingpopdingclang.  That's I started drinking more, and I "needed" more Klonopin.  I needed to stop the damn noise.

That darn PMDD. It sure fucks with your head.
One week you know what's real.  And it can be the very next week that reality, and what is happening in front of your face, is all skewed and terrifying, and you don't trust yourself.  You must be crazy.  You can tell everyone thinks so, so you have to believe you're crazy, too.  You have to know that must be right... That's not the truth though.

You're still in there somewhere.  And you know, there is something better in life.  You know this isn't the end of your life.  It's not an endless pinball machine.

See?  Look ahead of you. It's not all dark and empty, and you aren't hearing dingdingdingdingding... You move forward, and you feel better, and you want to do better, and be better...  Then damn it all to Hell, you are luteal and you forget... you forget.  It is all dark and empty and dingdingdingclangding!
And you just want to not remember, again...

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