Saturday, June 25, 2016

F to the L.

The feeling that slams me suddenly, even when I know it's coming:  I'm going to try to explain it in terms, (or with an analogy), that someone who will never feel it himself or herself may be able to grasp.
I'll try to explain it to a person who will never truly know it or understand it.

It's a feeling that stays with me me for all the luteal days.  Sometimes I can push it away from me, to the back of my thoughts or feelings, but it haunts me still...

It's the constant, brain nauseating feeling that you've forgotten something very important--Something critical to living.  And not just your own living, but the lives of everyone you love--yet no matter what you do, you can't figure out what it is; your brain shorts out, but inside the deepest reaches, you feel sick and horrible knowing that you can't remember...  You know you can't remember.  You know you've lost something.  You know you're in trouble.

You know something terrible is going to happen because you forgot it, 

or because you don't know, 
or you don't understand, 
or no one would tell you what the fuck is happening.

That's what it feels like.
Sort of...

But worse.

And the craziest times are when there really is something terrible, on top of being luteal... Something you miss... something that you can't touch or find anymore... that you just know...  I knew... I could feel it... I could feel it.

Nothing.  Could.  Feel.  Worse.
Not right now, in my crazy head.

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