Thursday, August 27, 2015

Hold your breath and jump.

My last several posts have been far too dark and depressing and pessimistic.  I wrote them one after the other, when I was in the luteal phase, which at least exacerbates my Major Depressive Disorder, if it isn't PMDD.  

You see, I stopped feeling... better...  See, I should feel relief once the follicular phase starts.  I started just feeling low all the time.   And it's not as bad as it is when I'm in Hormonal-Hell-Well, (I'm copyrighting that), but I don't feel alright.  I don't feel okay.  I feel sad a lot of the time.  There is some relief, but it's not
drastically noticeable.  And there are luteal days I feel not totally crazy.  

So my writing reflected, and reflects the darkness and sadness I can't shake.  

I've considered the drastic treatments for PMDD and depression:  I thought of refilling my Yasmin prescription and trying it again for a full three months.  I'm considering the idea of getting the Hysterectomy and Oophorectomy.  If this is for sure hormonal depression, and the rest is situational and just bearing down on me harder than I expected, it might help me.  I can't believe I'm doubting if I have PMDD, when it was so clear to me, and it's so obvious... but not feeling better...  Not having a baseline of happiness is how they diagnose these things, and they would now say my baseline sucks, so it's Major Depressive Disorder with a side of hormonal heck.  That would mean, since I have tried so very many medications, that I could try ECT.  I've heard wonders.  It affects memory.  I worry about that, but it also comforts me.  There are things I want to forget.  If ECT helped me be Joanna again, I would do it in a second.  It doesn't scare me.  I am ready to try anything.

But, here's the thing.  I--just moi, no Sam--went out on a boat with Sam's parents, and the kids on the river and we swam and fished and then met up with Sam after 5:00, and we went tubing.  Watching the kids tube was so sweet.  Their smiles... their beautiful smiles.  I have beautiful children.  And before tubing, I swam with my kids and their grandparents, and jumped off a dock, and off the back of the boat, and it felt good.  I felt "normal," and we ate snacks, and the sun was shining, and the water was warm, and the kids were thrilled... and I was PMDD at that point.  I couldn't find my Klonopin, to take an evening dose, but I didn't need it.  Actually, there was no anxiety and complete relaxation until 5:00ish. 

 It's not Sam's fault.  He has spent the day at work and is just getting to join the fun.  Yet, Sam's interactions with the kids are sometimes stressful for me...  He doesn't hear them and they say his name 10 times before he responds... and that makes me feel a little crazy.  He is in his own head, and I'm always in the kids heads, or trying to be, even when I'm in the worst state of depression.  I hear them.  I hear them and if I can respond, I do that.  

So, I have to understand myself, analyze myself, and try to figure out if this is hormonal, or major depression that is getting worse, or if it's just me... and my place in the world.  I've got to figure all that out on my own.  No one can tell me the answer.  I have to not only know it, but commit to it.  I fear I'll commit to a treatment for the wrong reasons, or...  No...  I'm smart.  I'll do what is best for my children.  I'll do what is going to work, and make me feel better.  I'll choose that.  I have to.  

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