Sunday, August 9, 2015


“It’s saying what the catechism of the church already says,” Cardinal Wuerl said, “that every person has a dignity all of their own; a worth, a value, a God-given dignity."

I’m just now understanding that my value doesn’t have to come from the estimation and opinions of other people. Yes, we should never stop up our ears, and ignore our loved ones completely, thinking we always know better. Humans take care of humans, yeah? Yet, even the people closest to our hearts can not know our hearts very well at all.  No one can tell us who we are.  I believed I suffer my deepest disturbances and struggles when I have forgotten who I am, or I lose sight of who I am, but no, that's not right. That comes when I let others tell me who I am, and what I am, and I stop listening to myself.  

I stopped listening to myself, when I felt like I had made very bad choices.
I thought, "Holy cow, you are losing your mind, don't do anything anymore!
Stop, acting and doing and wait for someone to tell you how and why!
Wait until someone who has it all together tells you what the fuck is going on and what you should do. Don't move! Wait for an adult. A sane person. Someone who isn't you."

And I think about my existence.
 I’ve wondered why I exist, but then it occurred to me that I’m wondering why I exist, only when I feel like I am failing the people around me, or useless to them.  
When I am useless to others, I am useless, right?  
If I read all day, and don’t interact with anyone, did I exist at all that day?
Do I have to touch others, to be alive?  
Do I have to prove I’m alive, every day?  
Are we all here for the sole purpose of serving others?
 Should we give ourselves to others completely?  
What else are we good for?  What am I good for?

I do know the quote from the Catholic Cardinal seemed revolutionary to me. I mean, I don't know if I truly believed in my own dignity all the time. I actually know I didn't.

I know I lost self-worth when I stopped teaching...
And then when depression became more and more opaque and blinding, I wondered if I could ever think about anyone else.
Or if I ever had... was I ever a worthy person?
I don't know when I'm this dark and scared and empty.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”
― The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

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