Monday, August 17, 2015

Time only adds to the blame.

I'm a circle girl.  I stay on my carousel horse, and don't try to reach for the gold rings, or get off.  I'm not healthy.  I don't want anyone to be like me.  I don't want my children to see me and think how I am handling my depression and life situations as okay.  I'm not okay.  I'm not fine.  I wouldn't let them do what I have done...

Yet, I want to think I wouldn't let anyone I love sink as low, and fall apart as scattered and splintered as I have... but I watched it happen to my mother... and my little sister... and I couldn't help them.  

No, I don't know if I did enough.  I don't know if I did all I could. I don't know if I did anything at all. 

They didn't want my help.  But that's no excuse.  No excuse.  When you love someone, there are no excuses.  You take care of them and try to hold them up when they can't stand on their own.  

I rationalize to myself, the twins were so little, and they needed me, and I tried to find the right priorities, while not forgetting anyone... but I did forget everyone, except my babies, and everyone else... they are so far gone...  

Addictions and relapse from addictions are not uncommon in those who are in an intensely blissful but conflicted relationship, or in those who are attempting to recover from one. Longing, grief, anger, shame, or guilt represent emotions that may be activated in the aftermath of a relationship that was colorfully painted by bliss. Addictions mask the pain of an ambivalent relationship or from the loss of bliss, and they hide the longing to experience the blissful state again. In her research on the neurological effects of withdrawing from a romantic (blissful) relationship, Helen Fisher (2004) demonstrated that such experiences ignite regions of the brain that are similar to withdrawal from a cocaine addiction.

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

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