Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry and Bright.

I felt like I should add an addendum, yet to the beginning of the post, about my "recovery."  I don't feel so much better.  I think it was the Christmas magic, and seeing my children in their glory, and going to church, and being "supermom" Christmas Eve, getting everything ready for the babies to see...  I don't feel so much better...
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I feel better.  I feel better...  I feel better!

Why? Why do I feel better? I probably shouldn't question it.  I probably should just feel, and not think too much about it...  But I always think too much...

Maybe because it's Christmas?  Maybe it's because the Lamictal and Prozac have mostly left my system... maybe it's because I'm on less medicine?  Maybe it's because I am taking all my vitamins?  Maybe it's because I'm not in my luteal phase right now, and I'll just be batshit crazy again in 14 days? Maybe it's the SAMe I've been taking?  Sigh...

Maybe it's because I realized I was holding myself hostage in sadness and depression, and it hit me all at once two nights ago:  I had given up...  I had let myself feel bad for a long time.

Oh and yeah, maybe it's because the newest thyroid tests actually showed my levels are off!  (Yeah, I knew it!).

I started taking Nature-throid again, last week, right after my blood test.  Because, duh, I knew that it helped me in September, but I was worried about taking something that my doctor hadn't approved of, and how it might interact with other new medications I was being prescribed, told not to take, prescribed, then told to stop taking that medication...

But I'm smart.  And I know it helped.
But I'm dumb too, because I also knew the pretty serious medications I was trying weren't working, yet I kept at it, wanting to be a good patient, and hoping for a miracle.  Pills aren't a miracle.  No pill will just SNAP! Fix ya right up. I just read Silver Linings Playbook, (which is much better than the movie), and one thing you see is, yes, you might need to take medications, but you also have to work at getting better in other ways.  You can't just wait.  You have to do something.  You have to do something.

Finally, I understand that I need to stop drinking alcohol.  Duh.  I have known that for a long time now, but I kept drinking when I started to feel things, or think about things, that I didn't want to feel or think about.  Alcohol is a crutch, and a numbing agent.  I know I actually need to really just think about fucking all of it, and feel everything that comes my way, no matter how much I know it will hurt.  I have to face it, and understand it, and move on.  I have to stop hiding.

You know, I also just don't want to hurt my body anymore.  I want to be healthy, and alcohol really isn't healthy: certainly not for a woman with PMDD.  It can be fun, sure, and it took away my brain nausea... but that's just because it was impairing my normal brain function.  That's no good...  No good at all.

Most importantly, I stopped pushing Sam away.  I stopped believing he could never help me.  Sam loves me more than any person has ever loved me, and he has never left... he never left...  I was never alone.  I felt so lonely, and I realized I was the one who was making myself feel alone.  I wasn't seeing Sam, when I thought he wasn't seeing me.  I didn't believe in him, when he has never stopped believing in me.  And love makes everything better.  Being loved, so honestly and faithfully, is good medicine--No, it's the best medicine.

I feel better!!!!!!!!!!!

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