Monday, December 7, 2015

Prozac Haze.

Okay, now listen: If you feel really terrible and it doesn't makes sense in your cycle, or it's worse than you usually feel if you suffer from depression, it's a big deal.  It's not normal, and you have to stay on top of it.  Even I, who researches tirelessly, and keeps close track of my moods, and medications and feelings, can forget... and fall down and forget to try to get back up.

I have been feeling so badly, so awful, and it didn't make sense for me to feel worse than ever during my luteal phase, and to feel almost equally low and lethargic and numb during the follicular phase.  I started to just sink into it, and forget that I've felt better than this: I don't always feel like I want to be dead.  I feel okay sometimes, and better than just okay when PMDD passes.  I have even felt fairly well, within the past few months...  It also takes a while for the newer medications to start taking effect, and the old ones to leave your system.  Your body has to adjust, and that adjustment doesn't mean it will turn out well.

 This crippling depression; this staggering brain nausea; the shaking; the staring at nothing for the entire day; the lack of interest in living' all of which were preventing me from functioning like a human being were allowed to go on for a bit too long.  When I feel that badly, I am not going to call my doctor, I am not going to tell anyone, I'm not going to ask for help... I'm going to sit and stare and rock and write and whisper to myself... whisper to myself...  And Sam heard me whispering to myself as my eyes focused on nothing and I hadn't left my bed all day, and realized he should call my doctor.
And you know, I know this...  I know this!  The best way to track why you ever feel worse or better is to understand what has most recently changed...  What medications have changed, what has changed in your life, what has changed in your lifestyle.  In this case my medications had changed drastically.

I had started Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and switched from Lexapro to Prozac. I've tried Prozac before, at high doses, and it rendered me almost emotionless and made it difficult for me to even contrive ideas or think at all.  I remember taking it in college and the professor noticed immediately that I was messed up.  Yes, I was the student who always contributed to class discussions and came in with lots of ideas to talk about from the reading homework.  I was always social and friendly.   And I sat in class, not knowing at all what was going on, and remember when she asked me a question I started to try to formulate a sentence and trailed off and said, "I don't know.  I don't know."

 After class she asked me if I was okay and I told her that all I could think of was this new medication I had started, my first dabbling in antidepressants, called Prozac, and I thought maybe it was having adverse effects.  I didn't feel like myself.  She urged me to see my doctor, which I did, and he changed me off it immediately.  Why would I want to try it again?  I don't know.  See?  It's still in my system...  It's still numbing my thoughts.  This is a boring and lifeless post.  I am just writing words and sentences, and not really paying much attention to how they fit together...

I think I thought Lexapro wasn't working anymore.  I think my mother told me I should try Prozac, because it had worked for her for years.  I was crying and she came over that night because I called her and couldn't talk, I think I choked out, "I need to go to the hospital," and I was just crying.  And she wanted to help me.  And she sat with me and talked to me until I could talk again, and promised to bring me to the DHMC ER the next day if I didn't feel any better.  I did feel better the next morning.  I understand the Emergency Rooms, and hospitals can only help me to a certain extent, and the only immediate things they can do for me is tranquilize me.  I have enough of my own Klonopin here.  I know how to zonk myself out.  I know what to do when I can't stop crying.

Anyway, realizing that it was just about the time the new shit would be doing the "work" now, made me realize it wasn't working at all.  It was just fucking me up.

I'm off Lamictal, and I'm off Prozac and back on Lexapro, and I see Dr. A on Thursday.  And where will we go from there?  I don't know.  I do know I have to make it through the holidays, and do all the things mommy's do to make this time of year for for their children.  I'm doing that.  I'm trying.

I'm sure Dr. Abney will have some ideas.  I do too... better ones than taking Prozac.  Take care of yourselves.  I have to be reminded by others, and remind myself often that how I feel, this deep depression and apathy is not normal.  It's not normal for me, and it's not normal for anyone.  And it's not okay to feel this way.  

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